Thursday, March 17, 2005

Ministry’s Message to Alberta: “Get a little drunker than usual today”

In keeping with St Patrick’s Day, the Ministry is urging Albertans to consume more alcohol than usual at the bar this evening. The Ministry is also requesting that all Albertans – no matter how tenuous their links to the Emerald Isle – spend most of the night shouting obscenities in an obnoxiously inaccurate Irish accent.

Ministry Spokesman, Vince Grim, reminded the public that St Patrick’s Day is one of the easiest holidays to celebrate.

“It’s not as if this is Christmas, where you have to grudgingly think of other people,” said Grim “Nor is it like Remembrance Day, where you have to stop yakking about yourself for an entire minute and look solemn. All you need to do to honour the occasion of St. Patrick’s Day is blow about hundred dollars at the bar, wear something silly, get trashed, and throw up on the sidewalk at about three in the morning.”

Grim also emphasized that St. Patrick’s Day is also one of the most profound ways that Albertans can demonstrate their legendary tolerance of other cultures.

“Every Guinness you purchase shows your deep appreciation for Irish culture,” said Grim. “And every French fry you eat with your wings meal shows your empathy for the suffering of the Irish throughout history, such as in the potato famine, for example.”

For the public’s convenience, the government has introduced an online calculator onto its website that will help Albertans calculate to five decimal places how Irish they are. For example, if you:

1) feel more passionate than most about the music of U2; 2) have an aunt twice removed who stayed in Dublin once, and; 3) have plans to visit Ireland after finishing your BA in economics

you are exactly 0.28494 percent Irish. You may thump your chest and say like in the Commitments “I’m black and I’m proud.” [Hold on – you’ve actually seen that film? Automatically add 5.73931 percentage points to your Irish quotient.]

The Ministry expects liquor revenue to spike by approximately 156 percent this evening.