Tuesday, March 22, 2005

Technology Update

THERIESENSTADT, Germany: According to the latest reports, technology is now capable of replicating everything in life, only less successfully, and is on schedule to replace reality some time in the next 20 years.

Head researcher at the East German School of Gadgetry, Seymore B Probing, responded to the news with excitement. “We certainly are very much thrilled,” he said. “This is to finally mean that decade shut away in laboratory is not for nothing, indeed, we are standing to inheritance the earth – that is, professionals who eschew fornication, intoxication, socialization and regular showers and choose instead of more better cerebral activity – and we will be becoming like gods to you, especially when humans cannot reboot your brain’s CPU unassisted.”

Probing pointed to the vast array of experiences that technology has made possible, which earlier generations were denied.

“For example, the Internet is wonderful thing,” he said. “There is such diversity things on Internet – things I never would see or hear of before – such, such remarkable things, and in real life, things are far more boring. For example, no woman attempts to insert with herself a giant zucchini in real life.”

The Internet has been cited by authors of the latest report, “The Planned Obsolescence of Homo Sapiens,” as the driving force behind exponential increases in scientific and technological progress, having enabled lightning fast exchanges of intellectual and technical information. The Internet has also played a crucial role in providing a source of virtual community to people that would have been marginalized in society. For example, Jeff Weise, 17, from the Red Lake Indian Reserve in Minnesota, was able to finally find support for his empathy with German national socialism through the website of the Libertarian National Socialist Green Party, hosted out of the United States.

“This is wonderful thing,” said Probing. “Before website, Weise might be just misunderstood outcast because no one share his hobby, and he cry on his pillow at night. But now, look – he have friends – even though he is primitive Indian – technology bring him knowledge and friends from coast to coast. His secret passion meet not with scorn, but with sympathy, and he is sign of how technology, it is bring to people together.”

At the time of the interview, Probing was unaware that Weise had armed himself with a stolen shotgun and handgun and killed his grandparents and then proceeded to Red Lake high school and shot a security guard, a teacher, and five students. When this news was relayed to him, Probing was nonplussed.

“So much more exciting than real life, you see now?” he said. “People sleepy and yawning all the time when nothing happen. But with technology, and such things as XBox, you can shoot and have a pounding heartbeat, like this, bu-bump, bu-bump – very exciting – and even sweat on the knuckles – and life is better than a discotheque. Wonderbar. It is like some people say why have to be so violent, but this is better than starving to death like in the primitive time. In fact, with the thanks to technology, violence it is now very sexy. It is again like on Internet. I see little blond girl abused in the rectum with giant dildo – and this I cannot do in reality – so it is good and safe and I like it. I like it very much so.”