Wednesday, March 23, 2005

PM to Aggressively Adopt Non-Dithering Policy

WACO, Texas: The Government of Canada is pleased to announce that at today’s tripartite meeting between Paul Martin, Vicente Fox and George W. Bush, our prime minister is going to be defiantly undithery.

“The PM is planning on giving President Bush the firmest handshake of his life,” said government spokesman, Dick Stamp. “He’s been in training for this. His thumb ligaments have had ample time to recover since his last handshake with Jean Chrétien, and now, thanks to a steady regimen of palm crunches, he’s more than equal to the challenge of not getting injured again.”

In keeping with the new tone that he is taking to American-Canadian relations, the Prime Minister is expected to brace himself with three shots of Crown Royal whisky before the meeting. He has even indicated that after fornicating with his wife Sheila this morning, he will skip his usual shower, exfoliation and face cleanser in order to retain the smell of sex on his body.

“Let me be quite clear,” said Prime Minister Martin. “When I step into the meeting room, it will be abundantly apparent that I am not only virile, but also intoxicated, and I think that in all probability, the potency of my masculine odour will send a strong signal to Bush and that Mexican fellow that they had better not even think about trying any funny businesses, such as making off with the rights to, say, all the fresh water in Lake Ontario. At the very least, they will have to ask nicely, and say please and thank you, otherwise I am categorically making almost no sweeping concessions whatsoever.”

Martin also announced that on the issue of BSE, he will be “bullish” in defending Canada’s interests.

“Let me be quite clear, when I say bullish, I don’t mean that I will gore anyone, of course, but I might, metaphorically-speaking (obviously) stamp my feet a few times, and emit some fairly noisy – even angry – snorts, and I wouldn’t be surprised if, over the sound of their yammering in Spanish, Bush and Fox might even get a sense that something quite defiantly undithery is going on down my end of the table. Maybe they’ll even talk to the Economist about it.”