Sunday, October 15, 2006

Johnny Briggs’ Business Plan Forecasts 50 percent Increase in Killing

Johnny Briggs, aged 33, and a successful serial killer in the North Bay region since 2002, has drafted a business plan for the killing year 2006-2007, forecasting a 50 percent increase over last year in the number of victims killed.

“Last year I killed six people, this year it will be nine,” said Briggs, with an understated yet quiet confidence.

Briggs learned how to kill from his father, George Briggs, who successfully murdered his business partner in 1986 after a long-standing disagreement over the disbursement of company profits. With his son in tow to keep watch, George Briggs broke into his partner’s house, hit him repeatedly in the head with a tire iron, dragged him into the backyard, and proceeded to feed his body through a wood chipper, spraying the neighbouring houses with a Jackson Pollockesque splatter of red globs. George then went into hiding, living like a feral dog for eighteen days. In the largest manhunt in North Bay police history, George was finally discovered washing himself in a duck pond.

“My father was a hero to me,” explained Johnny at his hastily-scheduled press conference, attended by a lacklustre crowd of black rats. “I can only fault him for having been caught with his pants at his ankles. I won’t make that mistake.”

Mr. Briggs is excited about the growing opportunities in serial killing afforded by the establishment of North Bay’s first ever post-secondary education institute – the North Bay Community College.

“With the growing number of young females in the area, the killing business has nowhere to go but up,” he announced, beaming giddily like a kid in candy store who can't decide which to grab first, a gob-smacker, tooth-breaker, gut-buster or pancreas-punisher. “This is an unexplored market for me.”

Briggs took a moment to reflect on some of his past successes, which are chronicled in his Annual Report, 2005-2006. These include:

Billy Little, aged 12. Tickled, choked, garrotted, stuffed in suitcase, dumped in the bay.
Gertrude Morvan, aged 89. Induced heart attack with the music of Slayer, shot, cut into small pieces, turned into wallpaper for outhouse.
Violet Turner, aged 55. Beaten, tampered with using coal poker, propped up as pretend house guest at dinner party, fed rats, drowned in toilet bowl, burned in farm incinerator.

“These were inventive, innovative and creative kills,” said Briggs. “But as with all things, I feel that I am getting better as I practice more.”

For 2006-2007, Briggs plans to expand his business into impaling, raping and eating body parts, such as kidneys and brains.

"Eating bits of people is a long term business benefit to me because I thereby possess the souls of my victims," Briggs explained.

Briggs would also like to imprison a student for several weeks and slowly starve him or her to death.

“That would be fun!” he chortled.

Briggs is hoping that after several successful years in the serial killing business, he can himself be killed in a hail of bullets from police gunfire, and that his story will then be turned into a blockbuster Hollywood movie.

“My part should be played by Heath Ledger,” Briggs suggested. “And my love interest will be a Rottweiler.”

Some of Johnny Briggs’ competitors in the killing business have announced plans to step up their own efforts so as not to be outkilled by the young North Bay upstart.

"No way I'm gonna let that punk collect more corpses in his basement than me," said East Side murderer, Frank "Diddler" Franzen.