Sunday, October 15, 2006

M.o.M.’s Guide to University or College

It’s September! Time to relax, quit your summer job, settle into a comfy chair, and listen to a teacher’s assistant nervously whisper something about mitochondria! Yes, it’s Back to University or College!

A lot of you might be thinking. “I don’t need a guide to university. I know what university’s all about. It’s about winding up profs with my apathetic attitude, getting shit-faced every Friday, and sex with strangers!”

But there’s so much more to university or college than that. Did you know that behind their veneer of high fashion, tawdry sex, and rampant commercialism, universities and colleges are institutes of higher learning?

It’s true!

Yes, there is a good chance that if you drink enough coffee, you will learn a thing or two in university or college. For example, did you know that the vile patriarchy of male, meat-eating rapists is the cause of every problem everywhere in the world? Once liberated from men, women will be as happy as Care Bears.


There is also a good chance that in university or college, you will develop a good relationship with one of your professors. You will look up to him as a mentor! (This part of the guide was for you beautiful young female students only.)

The M.o.M. conducted a reconnaissance mission to the institution closest to its headquarters – the University of Alberta – for the express purpose of finding out exactly what is in store for freshmen (that’s American for Confused Student) this year. Here’s how our tour went.

8am. Hub Mall
Goodie, goodie, it’s time for a cookie! Nothing beats a double chocolate-chocolate chip and chunk chocolookie from Cookies by George. Thank you Cookies by George! And thank you for your delicious coffee, too! It’s simply delicious! And we really mean that.

So far we’ve learned that commercial endorsements and sponsorship deals are a win-win for everybody. Look at that beautiful Telus mural on the north wall of Hub. Hey, why can’t I buy a Pepsi in this place?

8.10am. Hub Mall
We don’t feel very good. Must find a place to lie down and/or a toilet.

9:00am. River Valley
It’s good to walk these things off. It’s not the fault of Cookies by George we feel bloated and panicky. It was the fault of breakfast. It’s a bad idea to eat breakfast before going to school. The food is so much better at school. You must leave room for it.

Can’t wait until Ho Ho’s Chinese Food opens for lunch!

10:07am. A quadrangle
There is a student. The student is walking quickly. The student bears a backpack. That’s a handy place to keep books, kids! But first, we must buy some books!

M.o.M: Hello student. What books do you have in your backpack?

Student: Teleological Structures of Post-Tectonic Increments

M.o.M. ????

Student: I’m in a hurry.

M.o.M.: Can you just take a second to write down the name of that book?

Student: [Sighs] OK. Whatever.

10:25am. University Bookstore
Holy shit! This is like the biggest book we’ve ever seen! It weighs as much as a Geo Metro! How the hell are we ever going to learn all the information contained therein? No wonder students are all alcoholics! This is going to drive us to drink too!

10:35am. University Bookstore
To get through this book, we’re going to need another book. The dictionary! This is crazy! Nobody could possibly be so smart as to actually understand this book. It’s a conspiracy theory. Half of these words are made up. Ganglia? What the hell kind of word is ganglia?

Is it fatal?

11:00am. University gym
You have to be fit and lean to be a successful student nowadays! Refreshed from their beauty sleep, the fashionistas are out. Here we find the brunette boys with their frosted tips and Jessica Simpsons in training with their $190 lululemon sweat pants.

You don’t think university students can afford $190 for sweat pants? Wrong! That’s why the M.o.M. does this kind of investigative journalism. Take note, Global-CTV-CHUM-Rogers-Faceless-Capitalist-Giant Media Services!

11:05am. Men’s locker room
Cripes, it smells like a dead dog in here. What the hell happened?

11:07am. Men’s locker room
We did not need to see that! Is that legal?

12:02am. Hub Mall
Ho, ho, ho! No, it’s not Christmas. It’s lunchtime! This is the very best part of every student’s day. Here we are at the hearty Ho Ho’s Chinese Food. This stuff was packed in containers in the Szechuan Province of China along with a couple of Chinese who went along for the ride. Then it spent three months in transit on the Pacific Ocean, arrived in the Port of Vancouver, arrived two weeks later in Edmonton, and has been fermenting and growing in flavour in the meat trays at Ho Ho’s kitchen ever since.

No wonder it’s called Ho Ho! This is a Chinaman’s idea of a joke on round-eye!

12:06am. A table in Hub Mall
A passing girl just smiled at the M.o.M.!!!

Did that signify something, or was she laughing at our plate of noodles and fish heads?