Johnny Taxpayer Wants His Money Back
EDMONTON, July 28, 2006: Johnny Taxpayer, the world’s most famous taxpayer, has issued a press release demanding that the government return any money spent on evacuating from Lebanon those Canadians that don’t currently live in Canada.
“Why should I pay for bailing out someone who doesn’t even live in Canada?” his press release asks, or would appear to ask. It took a long time to decipher the scrawl. “Their [sic] responsible for they’re [sic] own safety. They don’t want to live in Canada – the greatest country in the world – then they can pay for the consequences.”
Finance Ministry officials have calculated what portion of the Lebanon evacuation costs accrue to Johnny Taxpayer. If Prime Minister Harper agrees to make a special exemption of Johnny, the Canadian government will be forced to issue the world’s most famous taxpayer a refund of two cents.
Prime Minister Harper was unavailable for comment.
“Scared, isn’t he?” said Mr. Taxpayer at his hastily-scheduled press conference outside Bubbles Car Wash on Whyte Avenue, Edmonton. “When politicians come face to face with real life Canadian taxpayers, they like, drop a loaf in their drawers! Their [sic] not used to it!”
Just then, a homeless person asked Mr. Taxpayer if he had any spare change.
“Why don’t you get a fucking job?” asked Mr. Taxpayer, appearing on the verge of a psychotic moment, à la Zinedine Zidane.
“Hey chill out, buddy,” said the homeless person, smiling. “It’s not like I called you a dirty terrorist or insulted your sister.”
“I don’t have a sister,” retorted Mr. Taxpayer.
“I’m going to the homeless shelter now. Farewell,” said the homeless person.
This provoked a fresh outpouring of rage from Johnny Taxpayer, the world’s most famous taxpayer. He asked the assembled reporter (your dedicated M.o.M. correspondent) to return his press release. He scribbled on it. When he was done, the amended press release called for his portion of the homeless shelter costs to be returned to him, because, according to the release, “I got a job, bums can too, so I shouldn’t have to subsadize [sic] they’re [sic] sorry asses.”
Mr. Taxpayer then asked the M.o.M. for a copy of the news report that it will be filing on this story. The M.o.M. responded that it never lets politicians, or anyone else for that matter, interfere with its relentless pursuit of the truth. But Mr. Taxpayer threatened to head-butt the M.o.M. The M.o.M. was forced to abandon its principles, albeit fleetingly.
Reading the press report, Mr. Taxpayer asked, “What does sic mean?”
Just then, a fire truck whizzed by with its sirens screaming. A small crowd gathered at an apartment where Suzie Sloth lives. Suzie had allegedly been smoking in bed and her entire bedroom had caught ablaze. Suzie was unhurt, but the fire was quickly spreading in the unseasonably hot 34-degree weather.
This provoked a fresh monsoon of murderous outrage from the world’s most famous taxpayer. His fists were shaking at Ms. Sloth.
“I don’t smoke. Why should I pay for cleaning up after your disgusting smoke-related accident?”
He amended his press release again.
Just then, a fat onlooker dropped to the pavement from an apparent heart attack. An ambulance showed up. Johnny Taxpayer declared himself ready to “strangle the next obese or lazy or cigarette smoking bum” that unfairly burdens him with the cost of “bailing out they’re [sic] sorry asses.”
Another onlooker, a political science student, said to Johnny, “Look, instead of just amending your press release again, why don’t you simply ask the government to return all the money that was spent on anything besides you?”
Mr. Johnny immediately declared the student to be the smartest man in the room.
“But we’re not standing in a room,” said the student. “And I was being facetious, anyway.”
The world’s most famous taxpayer now alleges that the Canadian government owes him $980,008.
Mr. Harper is still unavailable for comment but was most recently seen somewhere in the vicinity of the White House, scrubbing the presidential toilet. “Anything I can do to be supportive,” he was heard mumbling cheerfully.
“Why should I pay for bailing out someone who doesn’t even live in Canada?” his press release asks, or would appear to ask. It took a long time to decipher the scrawl. “Their [sic] responsible for they’re [sic] own safety. They don’t want to live in Canada – the greatest country in the world – then they can pay for the consequences.”
Finance Ministry officials have calculated what portion of the Lebanon evacuation costs accrue to Johnny Taxpayer. If Prime Minister Harper agrees to make a special exemption of Johnny, the Canadian government will be forced to issue the world’s most famous taxpayer a refund of two cents.
Prime Minister Harper was unavailable for comment.
“Scared, isn’t he?” said Mr. Taxpayer at his hastily-scheduled press conference outside Bubbles Car Wash on Whyte Avenue, Edmonton. “When politicians come face to face with real life Canadian taxpayers, they like, drop a loaf in their drawers! Their [sic] not used to it!”
Just then, a homeless person asked Mr. Taxpayer if he had any spare change.
“Why don’t you get a fucking job?” asked Mr. Taxpayer, appearing on the verge of a psychotic moment, à la Zinedine Zidane.
“Hey chill out, buddy,” said the homeless person, smiling. “It’s not like I called you a dirty terrorist or insulted your sister.”
“I don’t have a sister,” retorted Mr. Taxpayer.
“I’m going to the homeless shelter now. Farewell,” said the homeless person.
This provoked a fresh outpouring of rage from Johnny Taxpayer, the world’s most famous taxpayer. He asked the assembled reporter (your dedicated M.o.M. correspondent) to return his press release. He scribbled on it. When he was done, the amended press release called for his portion of the homeless shelter costs to be returned to him, because, according to the release, “I got a job, bums can too, so I shouldn’t have to subsadize [sic] they’re [sic] sorry asses.”
Mr. Taxpayer then asked the M.o.M. for a copy of the news report that it will be filing on this story. The M.o.M. responded that it never lets politicians, or anyone else for that matter, interfere with its relentless pursuit of the truth. But Mr. Taxpayer threatened to head-butt the M.o.M. The M.o.M. was forced to abandon its principles, albeit fleetingly.
Reading the press report, Mr. Taxpayer asked, “What does sic mean?”
Just then, a fire truck whizzed by with its sirens screaming. A small crowd gathered at an apartment where Suzie Sloth lives. Suzie had allegedly been smoking in bed and her entire bedroom had caught ablaze. Suzie was unhurt, but the fire was quickly spreading in the unseasonably hot 34-degree weather.
This provoked a fresh monsoon of murderous outrage from the world’s most famous taxpayer. His fists were shaking at Ms. Sloth.
“I don’t smoke. Why should I pay for cleaning up after your disgusting smoke-related accident?”
He amended his press release again.
Just then, a fat onlooker dropped to the pavement from an apparent heart attack. An ambulance showed up. Johnny Taxpayer declared himself ready to “strangle the next obese or lazy or cigarette smoking bum” that unfairly burdens him with the cost of “bailing out they’re [sic] sorry asses.”
Another onlooker, a political science student, said to Johnny, “Look, instead of just amending your press release again, why don’t you simply ask the government to return all the money that was spent on anything besides you?”
Mr. Johnny immediately declared the student to be the smartest man in the room.
“But we’re not standing in a room,” said the student. “And I was being facetious, anyway.”
The world’s most famous taxpayer now alleges that the Canadian government owes him $980,008.
Mr. Harper is still unavailable for comment but was most recently seen somewhere in the vicinity of the White House, scrubbing the presidential toilet. “Anything I can do to be supportive,” he was heard mumbling cheerfully.
posted by Laurence Miall at 8:40 PM
<< Home