Sunday, August 06, 2006

Will to live crushed? You’re not alone.

M.o.M. Science Fax

According to the latest survey from StatistiCon Inc, six out of ten North Americans have had their will to live crushed and are merely “going through the motions” in a drone-like state, with little thought to any meaning or higher purpose in life.

“Your typical North American is only the shell of a human being,” reported chief researcher, Dr. Iva Hed Fornumbas. “When it comes down to it, he/she could be shot in the head, buried and forgotten, and after a brief period of half-hearted and rather contrived mourning, the surviving friends and families would just get on with life as if nothing had happened.”

Survey respondents cite the following reasons for the crushing of their will to live:

a) job
b) spouse
c) traffic
d) no sex drive
e) nothing good on TV
f) local sports team lost
g) got screwed over by someone
h) all of the above

“Sadly, most of these people lack the courage to go the next step and just finish off their sorry existences,” said Fornumbas, affectionately eyeing the test tubes and beakers in her Newark laboratory. “If they legalize euthanasia, I’ll do it for them – so at least there’s hope.”

Most people cite the following as the most effective “coping mechanisms” for the sheer futility and inertia of their lives:

a) nurturing a satisfying grudge against everything
b) excessive shopping
c) excessive eating
d) excessive boozing/drugging/smoking/solvent sniffing
e) excessive sleeping
f) internet
g) videogames
h) picking on people even more pathetic than oneself

“On a bright note,” said Fornumbas. “I just got another two and half million dollars in research funding to continue my study on the futility of life!”

Iva’s husband stumbled drunkenly into the lab at this point, accidentally kicking over a shelving unit of Petri dishes.

“I haven’t seen you in eleven days,” he slurred before collapsing into a cart of Bunsen burners.

“Sorry about that,” apologized Fornumbas to the M.o.M. “He was making unreasonable demands on my time so I locked him into the basement. Apparently he has found a way to escape. Too bad he had to go through my entire wine collection before he did so! Oh well. Men are useless anyway. I’m inventing a way of making them expendable.”

Fornumbas plans to sell self-impregnation kits to women by the end of 2008.

“It will remove the need for the unnecessary, messy, disgusting, loud, smelly, obnoxious and unproductive reproductive ritual known as mating.”

The M.o.M. suggested that this invention would suck even more joy out of life, thus exacerbating the problem initially identified by Fornumbas.

“Yes, it will make life more clinical and efficient. But it’s my job to do that.”

At this point, loud gurgling noises were heard from the prostrate figure of Mr. Fornumbas. Upon closer inspection, it was observed that he was choking on his own vomit. The M.o.M. has a strict policy of not intervening in the goings-on of life when on assignment. Dr. Fornumbas also refrained from intervening, because she was preoccupied with her periodic table of the elements, as well as looking at microbes under a microscope. Mr. Fornumbas’ windpipe became blocked and in two minutes and thirty seconds, he was visibly dead.

“Hmph,” said Dr. Fornumbas. “Unfortunate. He was very good at the dishes. And his tuna casserole wasn’t too bad either.”