Sunday, August 06, 2006

A World Cup Victory Would Be Nice for Africa

By Bono Vox

Billions of you might have noticed recently that I’ve been borderline saintly in my charitable efforts for Africa. I’ve pressed hands with Tony Blair and George “His-Heart’s-in-the-Right-Place” Bush, as well as traded jokes with the Pope! As if my music weren’t enough to bring tears to your eyes, now I’m helping the likes of Gikjdwo and Mioihfew in Timbuktu. Why do I do this, you ask. Well, that’s a rhetorical question. The question is, why aren’t YOU doing this? I mean, the average person really has no excuse for doing nothing. It’s not as if beautiful women are throwing panties at you as they are at me. Between the glory of saving the entire dark continent from itself and your mundane desk job, which are you going to choose?

Let’s not think only about ourselves, whities! Spare a thought for the poor little blighters of Ethiopia, Tad, Borneo, and Zululand. While you have been growing fat, they’ve eaten nothing but grubs since last week! If guerrillas weren’t decapitating them, that is.

In any event, I’ve just thought of something that might boost morale for Africa almost as much as all the things I’ve done for that outpost of civilization. I think it would be really nice if we could all cheer for Team Africa in the 2006 World Cup.

…Wait a minute, a stenographer has just provided me with a moment of epiphany which has truly humbled me. It turns out that Africa is not, in fact, playing as one team. They are playing as three teams: Ghana, Ivory Coast, and plucky little Togo! I’ve done the math and calculated that this has TRIPLED Africa’s chance of success. Now that’s smart of them! Let that be a lesson for those bigots who say that Africans are not, in fact, as clever as we are.

As I write this, the brave footballers of Ghana are taking on the powerhouse of Italy. We all know that the Ghananians don’t have the sexy hair or the rock star looks of the Italians, but by Lord, you have to admire their courage. They are running at those Italians with everything they’ve got and showing no fear. They don’t care that Italy’s economy is approximately 9,437,890,432 times bigger than theirs and that the average Italian spends as much on a slice of bologna as Ghana does on healthcare. No. The football field is the great leveller, and gives Africans 90 minutes during which the black man is equal to the white man. Imagine how heartening that must be for them.

Now, I know this will be hard, but set aside your nationalism for a few weeks and CHEER ON THE SPUNKY AFRICANS! I know it will be hard. You Englanders, forget a second about Beckham’s hairdo and shout something encouraging at a darkie! And you Dutch, put down your Heineken, Edam cheese and legal prostitute for just one moment and cheer in your strange tongue, “Tally-ho, Togo!” As for you Germans, enough of your Teutonic infallibility. Yell something nice at our impoverished brothers – but try not to scare them!

It’s only one World Cup after all. Let’s let the plucky Africans have it. We can go back to being better than just as soon as it’s over.