Saturday, January 14, 2006

Religious Round-up!

The Ministry of Misinformation has searched the globe for the latest and most exciting religious stories. We’ve nailed them to this webpost for you to look at, jeer at, and marvel at!

God Finds Stampeding Humans Amusing
This week’s entertaining events at Mecca are sure to give God a good chuckle. It is estimated that 345 Muslim pilgrims died when they stampeded toward the stone walls of the al-Jamarat – one of Islam’s holiest shrines. This year’s total surpasses last year’s of 245.

The Ministry’s man in Mecca – veteran, grizzled and hard-bitten reporter Bill Sykes –brought us an exclusive interview with one of the trampled pilgrims mere seconds before he died.

“This is the crowning moment of my life,” said Akhbar Al-Jared Fayed Dodi, of Cairo, Egypt. “Whenever a man of faith can die in the service of God, it brings honour on him and his family. For me, death is the goal of life!”

It is widely believed among religious people that God gets a real kick out of people sacrificing themselves to Him. Some believe he does loud handclaps and fist-pumps whenever another Islamic fundamentalist detonates himself in a busy market square in Jerusalem, or when an Orthodox Evangelical Christian blows up another abortion clinic in Georgia. The handclaps and fist-pumps are what create our weather: thunder and hurricanes and the like! Praise Be to God for the weather!

Ariel Sharon: He’ll soon be dead, but according to Pat Robertson and God, he had it coming

Israel’s Prime Minister, Ariel Sharon, has suffered a massive stroke and might even be dead by the time you read this. It’s hard for the Ministry to be as current and topical as CNN or FOX because we don’t have their resources. (If you want to help build a new media empire, please make a pledge to us. We’ll give you a piece of collectible swag, such as a vintage Ministry of Misinformation propeller hat.)

Anyway, back to the dying Israeli prime minister story. Television evangelist Pat Robertson says Sharon’s stroke is “divine retribution” for withdrawing from the Gaza Strip last year. It seems that despite his endearing sense of humour (see above) God has a darker, edgier side, and will smite people who do things that he doesn’t agree with. Pat Robertson, who is privy to the workings of God’s brain, says that God objects to the Israelis having parted with some of His land. You see, now that the Palestinians own the land, it no longer belongs to God – it belongs instead to God’s chief rival, Allah. So that’s why God is trying to even the score by attempting to kill Ariel Sharon, a Jew. God is unconvinced that what is Allah’s is also His. Pat Robertson is convinced that a Jewish politician should suffer the fall-out of this confusion. Perfectly clear? We thought so.

And last but not least: Scientology is really silly!