Saturday, December 03, 2005

A guest columnist from the Edmonton Sun writes a special column about how cold it is

I. M. A. Hack

Brrr! How cold it is. When I looked out of the window this morning and saw all the snow, I told my wife, “It sure looks cold outside. Better wear gloves and mitts today!”

Are you cold? Of course you are, but nobody cares about that because unlike ME, you do not have a column in the Edmonton Sun.

Sometimes a sentence is so good that it deserves a paragraph all to itself!

Anyway, as I was saying, I am cold. My car is cold. My dog is cold. Let me tell you something hilarious about my dog that will appeal to your mediocre sense of humour. My dog was so cold today that he refused to go outside! I opened the door for him to go walkies and he just turned right around and walked back inside. He gave me this look that said, “You must be crazy!”

That was funny!

I am, by the way, still virile, even though I am a 49 year-old Edmonton Sun columnist. And my children, even though they occasionally pretend to make fun of me, consider me a god. Remember the anecdotes about little Bobbie (August 10th, July 5th, January 3rd, September 7 – October 15, 2004) and charming but mischievous Stacey (November 15th, 17th, 19th, and February to May 2003.)

When I was growing up, you didn’t need fancy books to teach you about a) politics b) what is right and wrong or c) how to do your job.

About thirty percent of the time, I like to write columns about how challenging it is to write columns. Admit it, YOU couldn’t do it because you are borderline retarded. Sorry, did I say retarded? I meant to say mentally-challenged. Isn’t that what the politically correct people say nowadays?

In my day, you called a spade a spade, a retard a retard, and a cripple a cripple.

HA! I’m making fun at the expense of minorities and the political left who are a bunch of sissies!

As you read this in the sweaty lunchroom at Pipeco or wherever you are, remember that I am probably paid more than you are to write stuff like this.

That was a joke!

Anyway, why not go drive to WalMart and buy a jumbo packet of corn dogs? That is, if you can start your car in this weather!

Thin people are not to be trusted. As are people who use words with more than three syllables.

I like to call snow “white stuff” as opposed to snow. Cold enough for ya? If you were next to me on the bus right now, I’d be the one yakking at the bus driver and you’d be sorely tempted to punch me in the liver.

Speaking of liver, it’s time for me to get back to the difficult work of slowly pickling mine! See you tomorrow for another reassuringly predictable column!

OHMYGOD! “Reassuringly” has more than three syllables. Does my computer have a virus????

Speaking of viruses, LOOK OUT! DANGER! DANGER! The culture of mediocrity is dangerously infectious!