Wednesday, May 18, 2005

MP’s Defection to Smack Party Shocks Goat Piddlers

GOAT PIDDLE: The MP for Goat Piddle, who has withstood numerous calls for his resignation since being elected only two weeks ago, announced today that he has defected from the Independent Party that he founded last month. He will now join the ranks of the Smack Party that he founded last night and of which he is the only current member.

“I had to take a long look in the mirror,” said the Goat Piddle MP, the Minister of Misinformation. “And then I had to comb my hair. And then I had to brush my teeth. And then I knew in my heart that I could no longer face the crisis of leadership that I saw in the Independent Party.”

At this point, Jimmie the Hand interrupted the Minister’s hastily-scheduled news conference with a cry of, “You waire ti leader o’ ti Independent Party, ye daft radge!”

“Pipe down, Jimmie,” said the Minister. “You’re just a sore loser.”

This overt reference to the Minister’s defeat of Mr. Hand in the May 5 election caused a palpable gasp of outrage in the audience. Mrs. Tothbit shook her head so vigorously in disapproval that her dentures flew out. Reporters then asked the Minister to explain the platform of the newly-founded Smack Party.

“I conceived of the Smack Party early this morning – at about four a.m. – to be precise,” reported the Minister. “The Smack Party stands for law and order. We’re going to get tough on the rash of crime that has afflicted Goat Piddle in the last week.”

The crime wave in Goat Piddle has generated three phone calls to the police resulting in at least one official report but no visits, to date, from the mainland constabulary. The first incident involved Timmy Thistle, aged 9, who set fire to a copy of the Goat Piddle Herald, provoking outrage from the paper’s editor, Gordon Gumless. The second incident implicates Drillich the Drunk in an unspeakable act with one of Mrs. Tothbit’s sheep. The last incident involves a complaint of excessive noise coming from the barn adjacent to the Goat Piddle Arms, where Millie McLegspreader was last seen entering at midnight with an unidentified male.

“Tha’ waire you making Millie make aw tha’ noise!” cried Jimmie to the Minister.

The Minister did not respond to this interruption and instead concluded his explanation of the Smack Party’s platform to the assembled Goat Piddlers.

“It’s well known that children who aren’t disciplined properly become dangerous delinquents,” observed the Minister. “Just think of Timmy Thistle’s act of pyromania, to cite but one example. To fight this crime wave we need to give children like Timmy a good, stern smack. The Smack Party stands for regular and routine smacks to be delivered to all naughty children. Smack by smack, we’ll get our beloved Goat Piddle back.”

The assembled residents erupted in cheers and then charged out of the hall looking for children to administer smacks to. According to a poll conducted five minutes ago, the Minister’s approval rating has skyrocketed up to 85 percent in the wake of his news conference. This is up from a paltry 2 percent only yesterday.