Friday, April 22, 2005

Ministry of Misinformation to Support Non-Confidence Vote

EDMONTON: The Ministry of Misinformation has responded to mounting public pressure to clarify its position on a possible vote of non-confidence that could topple the ruling Liberal government. Ministry spokesperson, Derek Mob, announced at a news-conference from the ministry headquarters in Swan Hills, northwest of Edmonton, that in the event of such a vote, the ministry would side with the Conservative Party of Canada and the Bloc Québecois. Mob said that this support would come with some very strict conditions.

1. Peter MacKay is to terminate his affair with Belinda Stronach immediately. MacKay is to write a legally-binding court order requiring that Stronach become an employee of the Ministry of Misinformation, wearing a daily uniform of a nurse’s outfit, knee-high stockings and garter belt.

2. MacKay must then commit to kiss Conservative leader Stephen Harper on the lips in front of a national television audience. The kiss will be filmed at Niagara Falls to the background music of “Union of the Snake” by Duran Duran.

3. The Conservatives’ policy of cooperation with the United States’ National Missile Defence system must be modified. Conservatives must agree to install the ministry’s patented SexRay® in space. When North America is under attack, the SexRay® will beam electromagnetic beams of liquefied libido at the earth. The psychological effects of the SexRay® include dizziness, loss of concentration, and inexplicable attractions to everything. In the words of its inventor, the SexRay® will transform all the inhabitants of everywhere – even Kansas – into “copulating rabbits.” How does this protect the homeland? Frankly, we haven’t figured that out yet. It will, however, enhance the experience of nuclear Armageddon.

4. As for you Bloc Québecois people – ha! You thought the ministry had forgotten about you, didn’t you? Well listen, you must now change your name to the Flesh-Eating Disease Party. You must pass a policy resolution at your next convention that requires all party members to have only one leg. (You can bring Lucien Bouchard out of retirement if you want.) The one-legged leader requirement is to symbolize the crippling effects on Canada of your dogmatic devotion to separation.

There – did both parties catch all that? Each of the leaders is to sign the appropriate box below, which is legally binding, of course, and which will indicate complete compliance with the above conditions.

□ I, Stephen Harper, leader of the Conservative Party of Canada, do hereby agree to abide by the ministry’s stipulations of making a complete ass of myself with Peter MacKay. I also commit to getting a decent haircut.

□ Moi, Gilles Duceppe, je suis d’accord avec tout ça, et de plus, à partir de maintenant, je promets de parler français comme un lycéen de seize ans de Vulcan, Alberta. Et chaque matin, je vais manger une grenouille vivant devant tous les spectateurs de Radio Canada.