Friday, April 08, 2005

Number of Shags Catching Up with Number of Wanks

BELGRAVIA, Edmonton: According to a communiqué released today by Paul Mall, 26, an Edmonton native, the total number of shags he has engaged in currently stands at 129, which is only 1,700 short of his total number of wanks.

“I just finished tabulating the data and I am pleasantly surprised at the results,” said Mall. “I think it’s testimony to my growing maturity and life experience.”

Mall, who is a fourth year mathematics student at the University of Alberta, has used his computing and statistical skills to conduct some long-range projections. His number of shags stands to equal his number of wanks by the time he reaches 56 years of age, if he follows the pace of the last calendar year.

“After 2035, the shag line diverges in a dramatic fashion from the wank line,” Mall explained. “The shag line, to put it bluntly, goes through the roof. I’ve just got to keep up my recent performance.”

Mall reports that the improvement in the trajectory of his shag-to-wank ratio is due to having secured a long-term girlfriend last year. He credits her with introducing shags to his life at a rate of three shags “at a minimum” per week.

“Prior to that, the shag-to-wank ratio was pretty abysmal,” Mall admits. “2000 to 2003 were very lean years and it seemed unlikely that my shag rate would ever match my wank rate – let alone surpass it.”

Mall is taking his girlfriend out for dinner tonight to celebrate his success and, with a knowing wink, told reporters that afterwards, “we’re going back to my place to improve my statistical prowess!”