Monday, April 04, 2005

Ministry Offers its Condolences to the Pope

The following statement was issued by the Ministry today:

“We have just been informed that you have deceased. This was rather a shock. As you are undoubtedly aware, we were under the impression that you weren’t sick at all. We were convinced you were having us on and playing a bit of a prank. Imagine then the looks on our faces when we saw a picture of you ‘lying in state.’ Evidently you really did snuff it after all. We’re well sorry for ever suggesting otherwise. Although we applaud your enthusiasm for dog racing and the love of your life, Giertruda, we should not have implied you would fake your own death in order to pursue those interests. That said, it would’ve been sort of cool if you had, like, faked your own death. Don’t you think? What a laugh it would be if that inert body on the covers of newspapers worldwide were actually a body double with a really top-notch make-up job. Come to think of it, who – besides us of course – would even doubt for a second the identity of that corpse? Have you been fingerprinted? Did you leave a blood or urine sample or something just so we could check? What about a stool sample? Come on, you didn’t even arrange for a stool sample? Well anyways, I suppose that’s your call. You were, after all, the bossman of the big Church. You call the shots. And now you are no longer with us. Well, your body is with us, but the rest of you – that bit with the soul and all that – that bit is elsewhere. So, sorry about that. Unless of course you wanted to go. In which case, should we really be grieving? For all we know, you’re partying with the Lord and his posse and the tears of one billion Catholics are in vain. Isn't celebrating a better response than grieving? Maybe that’s a stupid question. What do we at the Ministry know about appropriate conduct during an interregnum? Well anyways. Whoever the next pope is will have some plenty big shoes to fill. That’s the general word amongst the Bible folk. So you must feel right proud of yourself. Good job on your papacy. We hope you’ve cashed in some major brownie points with the management upstairs. All our condolences. Please put in a good word for us.”