Friday, April 01, 2005

Pope “Faking it” – Sources

VATICAN CITY: An exhaustive twenty minute investigation has uncovered the shocking truth: the Pope’s ongoing medical complications are nothing more than an elaborate charade. Top-level papal experts interviewed for this Ministry-exclusive story even went so far as to say that Pope John Paul II is “faking it.”

“You should see the Pope as I’ve seen him,” said one source, on the condition of anonymity. “When he’s not shaking like some fragile leaf for the benefit of the public, he’s pogoing on his pogo stick in the Papal Pogoing Park.”

This news will undoubtedly shock the 1.02 billion Roman Catholics around the world who are currently in emotional turmoil and devoting most of their free time to praying, fiddling with rosaries, crying, and other ritualistic mumbo jumbo.

“I have two words for all those people,” said the source. “Get a new hobby!”

The expert sources reported that the Pope has becoming “fed up” with the whole “suffering for the Lord schtick” and is going to fake his own death in the very near future. This will free him up to pursue his true passion, betting on sports.

“Oh yes, the Pope loves to bet on the horses,” said one of the sources. “And he’s particularly partial to the dogs. Don’t be surprised if after his death, an old man with white hair and a Polish accent starts appearing down at the track routinely. He’s even raised his own greyhound, Chip, from a puppy. Chip will be entering the racing scene just as soon as the Pope is quote-unquote, dead.”

The sources also said that the Pope would like to be free to marry his long-time secret girlfriend, Giertruda, who was the “girl-next-door” in the Pope’s native town of Wadowice. Giertruda is now 83 years old and has been waiting approximately 60 years to “get it on” with the Pope.

“I am excited,” said Gietruda through a translator. “I even have pace-maker put in so the thrill it doesn’t make my heart go kaput.”