And the Next Pope is...
Bill Cosby! In a ministry-exclusive, the mysterious Cardinal X reveals all.
Ministry: Your choice of new pope is really going surprise some people. Explain.
X: There was what we call a schism forming in the Church. I had to slug Cardinal Innisrectum with a holy scroll. There’s the old guard versus the even older guard, and it’s a battle for the soul of the church… It was ugly. Jesus. I sustained an upper cut to the chops from somebody, but I don’t know who…
Ministry: Clash of the cardinals, indeed.
X: You might even call it the brawl in the basilica.
Ministry: Were there any fatalities?
X: Sadly no.
Ministry: And after all that… Bill Cosby? Pope Cosby the First? It’s an incredible moment.
X: You’re telling me. He wasn’t my idea. But the alternative… My God.
Ministry: Who was the alternative?
X: Some lunatic Nigerian who thought homos should have their winkles removed.
Ministry: Christ almighty…
X: Son, the Lord’s name…
Ministry: I’m sorry.
X: I mean… most of us think those things, but only some crazy African is going to actually say it.
Ministry: About removing winkles?
X: Yes.
Ministry: And what does Bill Cosby think on the winkle issue?
X: At least Cosby’s one black entertainer that keeps his hands on his own winkle, if you follow my drift.
Ministry: Loud and clear…
X: The last thing we need in the Church is another child-chaser…
Ministry: Amen to that, brother.
X: See, Bill Cosby still embodies family values to the world. That’s what we want. A lovable pope. A huggable pope. And, to be frank, a doper pope.
Ministry: Dope? The cardinals thought Cosby was dope?
X: Some of the younger ones watched his show in their youth.
Ministry: Maybe the show is hipper in Latin.
X: Come on, he’s a funny man this Mr. Cosby. And everyone likes to laugh… Listen, we figured it all out. This is how the Roman Catholic Church is going to get the remaining 5 billion of the 6 billion souls that aren’t ours yet. Hear me out. We did a Venn diagram. Over in this circle are all the non-converts. You know: the Jews, the Muslims, the Jansenists, the insect-avoiders and the other wingnuts. And over in this circle is everyone that likes to laugh. The incredible thing is, thanks to computer imaging, you can project how these two circles will intersect. And remarkably, they intersect perfectly. With longitudinal imaging, you can see how in as little as five years, every non-Catholic that likes to laugh has been converted to Catholicism. And that includes everyone… I mean everyone… With the sole exception of Laura Bush.
Ministry: Laura Bush doesn’t like to laugh?
X: What the hell does she have to laugh about?
Ministry: Good point. So anyway… You were saying?
X: Well I was pretty much finished, actually. You see now how Catholicism will finally prevail.
Ministry: Remarkable. All thanks to Cosby’s gift of the gags…
X: Believe it.
Ministry: Your choice of new pope is really going surprise some people. Explain.
X: There was what we call a schism forming in the Church. I had to slug Cardinal Innisrectum with a holy scroll. There’s the old guard versus the even older guard, and it’s a battle for the soul of the church… It was ugly. Jesus. I sustained an upper cut to the chops from somebody, but I don’t know who…
Ministry: Clash of the cardinals, indeed.
X: You might even call it the brawl in the basilica.
Ministry: Were there any fatalities?
X: Sadly no.
Ministry: And after all that… Bill Cosby? Pope Cosby the First? It’s an incredible moment.
X: You’re telling me. He wasn’t my idea. But the alternative… My God.
Ministry: Who was the alternative?
X: Some lunatic Nigerian who thought homos should have their winkles removed.
Ministry: Christ almighty…
X: Son, the Lord’s name…
Ministry: I’m sorry.
X: I mean… most of us think those things, but only some crazy African is going to actually say it.
Ministry: About removing winkles?
X: Yes.
Ministry: And what does Bill Cosby think on the winkle issue?
X: At least Cosby’s one black entertainer that keeps his hands on his own winkle, if you follow my drift.
Ministry: Loud and clear…
X: The last thing we need in the Church is another child-chaser…
Ministry: Amen to that, brother.
X: See, Bill Cosby still embodies family values to the world. That’s what we want. A lovable pope. A huggable pope. And, to be frank, a doper pope.
Ministry: Dope? The cardinals thought Cosby was dope?
X: Some of the younger ones watched his show in their youth.
Ministry: Maybe the show is hipper in Latin.
X: Come on, he’s a funny man this Mr. Cosby. And everyone likes to laugh… Listen, we figured it all out. This is how the Roman Catholic Church is going to get the remaining 5 billion of the 6 billion souls that aren’t ours yet. Hear me out. We did a Venn diagram. Over in this circle are all the non-converts. You know: the Jews, the Muslims, the Jansenists, the insect-avoiders and the other wingnuts. And over in this circle is everyone that likes to laugh. The incredible thing is, thanks to computer imaging, you can project how these two circles will intersect. And remarkably, they intersect perfectly. With longitudinal imaging, you can see how in as little as five years, every non-Catholic that likes to laugh has been converted to Catholicism. And that includes everyone… I mean everyone… With the sole exception of Laura Bush.
Ministry: Laura Bush doesn’t like to laugh?
X: What the hell does she have to laugh about?
Ministry: Good point. So anyway… You were saying?
X: Well I was pretty much finished, actually. You see now how Catholicism will finally prevail.
Ministry: Remarkable. All thanks to Cosby’s gift of the gags…
X: Believe it.
posted by Laurence Miall at 1:21 PM
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