Monday, April 11, 2005

Ministry Reluctantly Observes First National Day of Dullness

EDMONTON: The Ministry of Misinformation has designated April 11 as Canada’s National Day of Dullness. This is a day to grudgingly honour the tedious, boring and onerous activities that all citizens engage in for a substantial portion of their lives.

“Let this day stand as a drab tribute to the stale, the stodgy, and the wearisome,” said Ministry spokesman, Hum Drum. “It’s a day for lining up to buy stamps; cleaning the week’s worth of dishes; a workday of entering data into an Excel spreadsheet; or sitting in traffic for hours. That kind of drudgery unites us all. Today we raise a mug of lukewarm tea in honour of the commonplace.”

Drum also noted with a sigh that some people might find it relatively interesting that there are 46 synonyms for the word boring but only 45 for the word exciting.

To mark the first annual Day of Dullness, the Ministry has unwillingly organized a series of tiresome and rather pointless events:

1. A screening at the Metro Cinema of “Nearly Dead” – a retrospective of three decades’ worth of life insurance commercials. According to a reviewer who attended the Calgary screening: “I would rather have spent the afternoon at a geriatric ward.”

2. A monotonous and lifeless hike up Calgary Trail, starting at 23rd Avenue and ending at the strip mall on 79th Avenue, just prior to where the walk might have become interesting. According to an anonymous individual who completed the walk just yesterday: “The hour-long ordeal rewarded me with a mouthful of grit.”

3. A free open-air lunch at an unused lot of South Edmonton Common. Appetizers and entrees will consist of tofu, diet crackers and boiled lima beans. Tepid water will also be served. Sample meals previewed by seniors elicited such comments as: “At least the food didn’t exacerbate my ulcer”; “That might have been drywall” and “Why don’t they send the rest to the starving children of Africa?”

“The entire day promises to be entirely forgettable,” concluded Drum.