Tuesday, April 12, 2005

Rapid Descent of Canada into Banana Republic Status Shocks Allies

NEW YORK: A hastily-scheduled emergency session of the United Nations opened in New York today as world leaders struggled to respond to Canada’s descent into banana republic status.

“When Edmonton MP, David Kilgour, sounded the alarm bell about Canada, we knew we had to do something,” said British Prime Minister, Tony Blair. “It’s frightening to see a once-proud nation fallen so low. When Kilgour asked how many countries are more corrupt than Canada, the answer, 198, unnerved me and indeed, the world.”

Leaders listened with palpable shock as the UN’s special envoys to Canada reported on the latest developments in that country. The picture they painted was one of chaos and confusion, as the so-called Adscam scandal that has rocked the ruling Martin regime spreads shockwaves of instability from coast to coast.

“Just this morning there were reports of a Ford Windstar rear-ending a school bus on the traffic circle at 142 Street in Edmonton,” reported Jimmy Kovathz, a UN envoy. “It was quite clear that the driver had been listening to news about Adscam on 630 CHED radio and in his unsettled state, was rendered incapable of obeying standard road rules. Fortunately, no children were killed, but one child did complain of whiplash.”

French president, Jacques Chirac responded to this account by saying, “We must do something for Canada, if only to save the children.”

In a sign of the social unrest triggered by Canada's widening crisis, Bruce Stibble, aged 34, from Toronto, was turned down for Employment Insurance benefits, having allegedly failed to meet the requirement for a minimum term of employment. According to reports, and his own observation, this was “undoubtedly” a result of the Martin regime being “too busy spending money on corruption instead of on social programs.” Now Stibble says he will have to sell his mountain bike to pay next month’s rent.

“What’s next?” asked a visibly-stunned Gerard Schroeder, from Germany. “Cannibalism?”

Meanwhile, in Quebec, the epicentre of the crisis, a huge crowd of 40 people gathered outside a branch of the Canadian Imperial Bank of Commerce, demanding that the manager come out and exchange all of their Canadian dollars for US dollars. “We know very well that our currency has become worthless,” said Réjean Baptise. “American dollars are the only way to go now. And this is why we are so angry. We are ashamed of our country. Unless the government can start up another sponsorship program that funnels the wealth of every other province into ours, we are going to threaten to separate in a way you have only seen several hundred times before.”