Harper: “I Will Rage and Pout Until I Get my Way”

The following statement was released by Stephen Harper’s subconscious today:

“I like little boys… Wait a minute. I’m preoccupied with power, not sex. But wait another minute… Sex is power, isn’t it? And isn’t power sexy? For example, if I become PM, I will be sexy. Those that say I look like a Sunday school teacher will have to shut the hell up. I will not only get to screw my poor wife, I will get to screw the whole country. The only thing standing in my way is Canadians.

Hmmm… Canadians. I would love this country if it were not for Canadians. They make me go limp, frankly. What my id really lusts for is the hardness of Republicanism. I may never wield a bigger weapon than my friend Bush, but at least if I get chummy with him, he will let me play with his weapon from time to time. Maybe?

So anyways, had fun today. I got paid for refusing to go to work. That’s right. I’m so riled up at Paul Martin that I told my team “Don’t go to work, boys. Boycott Parliament.” Man, did we show those girlie-men Libs and NDPers who’s boss. While they fussed away over their little bits of paper (they like to call them bills), us big boys from out West retired to Arby’s to plot the take-over of the country. My advice to you lefties is: don’t stand in our way. I’m quite prepared to rage and pout until I get my way. I WILL have an election. OK? I MUST/WILL /HAVE-TO-BE/ AT ANY COST THE PRIME MINISTER

People ask how long I can keep this indignant and angry pout on my face. Well, ask my wife how long I can keep it up when she calls me Mr. Prime Minister in bed. Just ask her. Helluva long time, she’ll say. That’s how long. So get ready. As I tell her, you’re in for a rough ride.”