Tuesday, June 21, 2005

Chimps Outperforming Mediocre Canadians

EDMONTON – The news today that Congo the chimpanzee has sold three paintings for the equivalent of $30,000 US confirms what many Canadians had feared for years. Most modern Canadians are no better than chimps. Scratch that. Most modern Canadians fall far short of modern chimps. Artists are especially feeling the fallout.

Said local mediocre writer, Nan Bred, “I haven’t sold anything creative since 2001, when a local mediocre arts magazine, incest, gave me a coupon to be redeemed for a latte at the Sugarbowl in exchange for my mediocre story about a homosexual transvestite shoe-fetishist trapped in the body of a trans-gendered lesbian awaiting a corrective clitoral surgical procedure. I would be jealous of Congo, except I think he’s a sell-out. I dismissively breath a plume of cigarette smoke in his simian face.”

Congo the chimp is now richer than any artist living west of Toronto. Some artists, out of angst, are responding with drastic measures.

“I’m going to the operating room tomorrow to become a bonobo,” said Portia Poinsettia of Nelson, BC. “It’s my last hope. Then hopefully I can slap a price tag of over two figures on one of my abstract masterpieces.”

Said art expert, Dillon Villain, “Animal art has a cachet that human art doesn’t. When a human makes a mess on a canvas, the general public says, ‘My three year-old could have done that.’ But when an animal does the same, it actually quite impresses people. They’re just happy to see an animal do anything besides hump trees, defecate, and attack small infants.”

Villain concluded that the lesson to be learned by humans is that “raising the bar” for our own achievements has backfired for the vast masses of mediocre and talentless shits that masquerade as artists today. “Look, who wants to be constantly compared to Da Vinci?” he said. “It’s time to recognize the merit in, say, an artist who eats ten bowls of Captain Crunch and then drools onto a canvas. That way, we can all feel good about ourselves.”