Wednesday, November 30, 2005

I’m going to win this election with my smile – Harper

Stephen Harper staged a news conference today to unveil what his Conservative Party considers to be its biggest weapon in the war to win the hearts and minds of Canadians: Stephen Harper’s smile.

“When people see me smile, they forget – albeit temporarily – that I am an alien sent from another planet to harvest your organs,” said Harper.

Harper admitted that learning to smile has been a slow and difficult process for him. The leader first used his levator labii (a mouth muscle used for raising the upper lip) in 2003, upon being elected to chief of the Conservative party. This was after a crack team of smile experts conducted an intensive psychological technique on him known as “imprinting.” Harper was first subjected to a torturous process intended to break him down and reduce him to a blubbering infant. In this beleaguered state, Harper watched 100 hours of choice Ronald Reagan clips, wherein the star of “Bedtime for Bozo” brandished his endearing smile, and Harper, with an expression of joy on his face, emulated it.

Sadly, however, while imprinting creates lifelong instincts in lower-level organisms such as mallards, grebes and other ducks, its effects are only fleeting when it comes to the inhabitants of the planet Argon (Harper’s birthplace) who are so much more advanced than humans that they make our species race like greyhounds for the amusement of the Argonian overlords.

“Yes, the effects of imprinting lasted only two days,” admitted Harper. “However, more rigorous visualization exercises have helped to revive my smile’s potency.”

To achieve the stunning smile that Canadians have come to expert from Harper on a monthly basis, the night before public appearances the arch-Conservative prepares with visualization exercises. These consist of imagining scenarios that make him happy and put a big, fat smile on his otherwise sinister face.

Some of Harper’s most successful visualizations include:

… Tax breaks for the rich; tax hikes for people he likes to call “grubbies”
…Kittens eating big juicy tuna steaks that someone has cunningly stuffed full of broken glass!
…The ghost of Ronald Reagan eating Paul Martin’s pancreas
…The clear, pristine mountains of Argon
…Sex with Ann Coulter

At this point, Harper burst into song. He was singing, “These are just a few of my favourite things,” from the Sound of Music, but had cleverly changed the lyrics to reflect his own preferences. The assembled journalists were scared and wanted to leave, but Harper threatened them with an Argonian Human-Liquefying Ray-Gun ™.

“Nobody moves until I’m done singing,” he screamed.

Pundits are predicting that Harper will not be able to maintain his breakneck pace of campaigning and smiling and will collapse from exhaustion at least a week prior to election day on January 23rd, at which point, his skin will melt away to reveal his reptilian scales.

This week’s election score:

Liberals 10
Conservatives Nil