Monday, November 07, 2005

The French are Revolting

Pierrefitte-Sur-Seine, FRANCE: According to the Interior Minister of France, Nicolas Sarkozy, the only way to deal with the immigrants who are setting fire to vast swathes of Paris and many other French cities is to treat them even tougher than any of your predecessors treated them.

“If I learnt anything in politics school, it’s that immigrants, much like animals, are best locked up in cages and poked with sticks. Funny things happen if you do that. For example, once I was poking this rabid dog, whose name incidentally was Domenic, and he bared his teeth ferociously at me, and tried to chew off my fingers. But I laugh at him because he was so silly! Who does this dog think I am? He should know I am too quick for him.... Like a bolt of lightning, I maced him. And then I hosed down his cage until he almost drowned. That settled him down for at least three hours.”

“You see,” Sarkoazy continued, relishing his fourth glass of 1999 Chateau du Camarsac, “My opponents are such softies that they couldn’t even drown an earthworm, let alone an Algerian… That is why I am the strongest candidate to be the next French president, because I am the strongest, and everyone knows it.”

Sarkozy reacted strongly to the suggestion that his police crackdown on the riots were only further fanning the flames of discontent and anger.

“As everyone knows, I am a strong admirer of Anglo-Saxon solutions to French problems, and there is a uniquely Anglo-Saxon expression that I apply to this context. ‘If it ain’t broke, then break it.’ That applies to the heads of rioters everywhere. They won’t be rioting anymore if the police crack the skulls of every last one of them. It’s only logic, non?”