Saturday, August 27, 2005

Employers Want Workers With Lying Skills

According to a recent study, one of the most important skills in today's workplace is the ability to lie, obfuscate, distort facts, and camouflage your true nature behind a veneer of pretence, enthusiasm and feigned loyalty.

The study's head researcher, Moe B. Stevens, says the ability to lie is particularly crucial to the 21st century professional environment, and that employers seek these skills from the very first interview with a potential job candidate.

"A classic technique employers will use," explains Mr. Stevens, "is posing the question, 'Why do you want to work at Company X?' For example, one of the job candidates we talked to in the study had been asked why he wanted to work in an E-Bay call centre. Now obviously, that is a question that employers know cannot be answered truthfully. The truthful answer would be 'Because I'm desperate for work and at this point, I'll accept even the drudgery and degradation of a call centre job just as long as I can pocket my paltry twelve dollars an hour.' But no, employers don't want that kind of answer. They want to hear something like 'Oh, I believe Company X is a good c0mpany and it's going places, and I want to work for Company X because I think I can grow in this position and that my skills can contribute to Company X's ongoing success.'

"This answer, needless to say, is pure horse shit."