Thursday, September 22, 2005

Martha and Henry Announce Investment Plan for $400 Prosperity Bonus

CAMROSE, Alberta – Martha and Henry, who are scientifically proven to be Alberta’s most average and therefore most representative couple – despite Henry having a gay cousin twice removed – have announced their investment plan for the Alberta Government’s $400 prosperity bonus.

At today’s hastily-scheduled news conference, Martha spoke on behalf of the couple. Henry was heard grumbling “she wears the pants around here anyway.”

“Like all Albertans, we couldn’t imagine the government spending a billion dollars sensibly, so we’re happy to spend the money for them,” said Martha.

Martha and Henry’s business plan for the fiscal year 2005-2006 proposes a two-prong approach for investing the money. The first prong consists of INFRASTRUCTURE PROGRAMS. Martha explained that this is money directed toward infrastructure programs that the Alberta Government cannot be trusted to manage itself. She expressed the hope that if all other Albertans similarly divert their money to much-needed infrastructure improvement, some of Alberta’s infrastructure might be improved.


Exhibit 1: Roads
Removal of unsightly garbage in fence on entrance to farm… $40
($10/hour labour, four hours work)

Exhibit 2: Railways
Dozen rivets for proposed high-speed Calgary-Edmonton high-speed train… $10

Exhibit 3: Hospitals
Stethoscope… $40
Bed pan… $30
Diapers… $30

Exhibit 4: Schools
A chair… $50

Sub Total: $200

Martha also proposed an ambitious array of programs under the second prong of the 2005-2006 business plan. This prong is called FUCKIN’ GIVEN’ER. These programs consist of activities that help Albertans maximize their sense of fulfillment from being the richest citizens in all of confederation.

“You know,” said Martha, “When you’ve worked as long and hard as Albertans have to make sure that creepy easterners don’t get their hands on the carbonized remains of dinosaurs that collapsed here from exhaustion back in the days of Adam and Eve, you deserve a big old hoe-down.”


Exhibit 1: Liquor
Five bottles of Jack Daniels…$100

Exhibit 2: Tobacco
12 packs of Export A’s…$100

Sub Total: $200

“To wrap her up then,” said Martha, “I believe this is a perfect mix of responsibility and recklessness, which balances itself out in the end to sheer inertia, which is, after all, about as much you can expect from the most mediocre Albertans.”