Monday, November 14, 2005

Opposition Announces Plan to Ruin Your Christmas

Scarcely able to restrain their glee, the three federal Opposition parties today convened in Ottawa to announce their plan to ruin your Christmas. The leaders of the Conservative Party (aka, the Dour No-Parties Party), the NDP (aka, the Giggling Surrealists) and the Bloc Quebecois (aka, the Canada = Merde Party) were in uniformly buoyant spirits.

“I haven’t had this much fun since devising a new capital gains tax cut policy,” said Stephen Harper, attempting his improved customer-friendly smile. “I think of all the Canadians who like to drink rum and eggnog and eat butter tarts at this time of year – clouding their judgment with booze and sugar – and I think to myself there is no better time for them to make an important decision regarding our country’s future.”

At this point, Jack Layton from the Giggling Surrealists interrupted, because he had remained silent for forty-five seconds, which makes it difficult for him to breathe.

“Gilli gilli gilli!” he exclaimed euphorically. Then, upon realizing that his inner-child is not yet widely understood by the media, switched to his second tongue, ENGLISH! “Healthcare, children, say no to clubbing seals, hug yourself, hug your grandma, don’t eat meat with steroids. Cycle to work. Cycle to Florida. We will build a bicycle that goes to the moon in our first ninety days.”

The assembled journalists chuckled. But then blue-eyed Gilles Duceppe gave them a good talking to and scolded them as they deserved.

“Vile oppressors,” he bellowed. “The English are fascists. Remember all the obscure times in Canadian history when they did nasty things to us? We will have nothing to do with the fascist English. We are French and the French are our heroes. Look how marvelously they’ve run their country. It’s paradise on earth, as we all know.”

The assembled journalists wondered briefly why Duceppe was out of touch with reality, but then remembered that he was a separatist, and thought nothing further of it.

Jack Layton had remained silent for thirty seconds here, and was turning red.

“Each snowflake is unique, like every Canadian is unique,” he said, helpfully.

“When I become Prime Minister, I’m going to outlaw fey and effeminate observations like that,” concluded Mr. Harper.