Wednesday, November 23, 2005

Who is the World's Ugliest Human?

In honour of the passing away yesterday of the world’s ugliest dog – Sam, a Chinese crested hairless – the Ministry of Misinformation is pleased to announce a commemorative event that is sure to become an occasion. The search is on for the World’s Ugliest Human.

Will it be a freak from the Mogwai tribe in Borneo, freshly plucked from a swamp with a frog still hanging out of his mouth? Will it be mutant from the Gilli-Gilli clan in Swaziland, complete with a bone through his nose and live caterpillars in his hair? Or will it be a slothful Alabaman, stupefied and dull-witted from fried chicken and Big Bear? Whoever it is will assuredly be overjoyed to receive a cash prize of $500,000 and a trip to the surgeon to give them some likeness of a human being.

Millionaire Canadian tycoon, Vincent Brown, who was recently released from jail on fraud charges, is organizing the exciting contest. The Ministry reached him at his luxury home in Victoria, BC.

“The true star of this show is the worldwide TV audience,” said Brown. “They have the power and privilege of catapulting an anonymous and ashamed individual into the harsh spotlight of global ridicule.”

The Ministry went on assignment to a sign-up booth on Easter Island, notorious for its hideous and misshapen inhabitants. The line-up to enter the contest numbered 112 islanders.

“I hope one of us wins, even if it isn’t me,” said Jizkowa through his deformed and seemingly inflated lips. “It will erase the bad memories of our civilization having destroyed itself two centuries ago. It will bring new commerce and trade to our homeland, as tourists flock to see us cavort in our ugly splendour.”

“No one should be ashamed of being loathsome in appearance,” concluded Brown. “If it means worldwide fame, plus cold hard cash, where’s the harm in losing your dignity? Everyone else on TV is doing it – fat people, gays, former celebrities. Why not the uglies?”

… Do YOU know an ugly human? Enter his or her name into our exciting contest.