Friday, December 09, 2005

“My job is to fuck up. Your job is to love me unconditionally” – Klein

In an incoherent and boozy interview with the Ministry of Misinformation, Premier Klein has denied that his political act is reminiscent of a pissed-to-the-gills bum who is stumbling and bumbling in a back alley after dark. This follows yet another policy U-turn from his government wherein on Wednesday it was perfectly acceptable to permit smoking in the legislature even though it is banned everywhere else in Edmonton but by Thursday the idea seemed stupid because, as noted by Lyle Oberg, “I heard it from a friend who said… ‘You guys are a bunch of hypocrites’” [Edmonton Sun, today]

“It’s important to float hypocritical policies in the court of public opinion,” said Oberg to the Ministry of Misinformation. “Likewise with bullshit policies, greedy policies, as well as policies designed to destroy the environment. Those that the public don’t notice get the go-ahead.”

“Thassright,” Klein agreed, smoking in his office – in fact, smoking up a small storm if truth be known – given that this will no longer be allowed as of January 1, 2006.

Klein then turned his attention to the issue of his resumption of drinking alcohol.

“I see no problem here. Lookit. Am I the premier or am I the premier? Or has someone else become the premier without me realizing it? Ha! As if! No one else could possibly manage Alberta’s billions of dollars in resource revenue and still be incapable of sticking to a budget! That’s why I’m special. And lookit… Yes, I did verbally abuse some homeless people in a shelter several years ago, and throw cash in their faces and tell them to get a job, even though many of them already had a job, but afterwards, you know, I made a tearful apology in front of the media and I admitted I had a problem, and I promised to reform myself, and so everything is A-OK. In fact, my popularity even soared. So what’s the problem? So yeah, I still like to drink. You know what? I’m the premier, and people expect me to drink and get belligerent. People don’t want me to behave like an angel! They expect me to behave like their boozed-addled, smoke-sucking, slots-playing Uncle Herman. What’s more, people like it when I give interviews to the Edmonton Journal and admit nonchalantly that I drank so much at a function this October that I gave myself a hangover. Severely normal Albertans see no problem with that. It’s only leftist Trotskyists who see any whiff of hypocrisy in my behavior. And you know what I say to those people? Fuck you all!

“Lookit. I’m King Ralph. I told you all in 2001 and I’ll tell you again. I’m King Ralph. Did you hear me properly? Thassright! I’m King Ralph. So if I appear to act as if I am above the law, Good Christ, that’s because I am above the law. Where do you think you are? Canada? This is ALBERTA. The peasants know their place here. Do you even understand Albertanese? No? You talk some fancy dialect called English that they talk down east. Thass treasonous. You know what? I don’t like your face. I should have you arrested. You fucker! Blah blah blah with your questions. I’m King Ralph, bitch!”


The premier’s head hit the desk at this point because he had passed out, and the short interview was concluded.