Media Maverick ruthlessly hunts down entertainment stories, kills them, and drags them to your door
In keeping with the synergetic times we live in, the Ministry of Misinformation has conducted a hostile takeover of the rival Internet Empire, Media Maverick, and now brings you cutting analysis of what’s hot and mildly tepid in the world of entertainment.
Oprah Salutes Shallow Bitches
Oprah is unveiling her “Shallow Bitch of the Year” Award. This award will honour the woman who has made the most significant contribution in 2005 to mindless consumption, needless sentimentality and Kleenex usage. Celine Dion is a front-runner for this award. Celine Dion has had a baby and if you don’t know that you are a heartless bastard. Celine Dion has collaborated with Anne Geddes on a series of photographs depicting her in various states of undress with her baby. Geddes has entitled this collection, “Miracle,” because Dion was impregnated by God Himself. The fact that procreation has been going on for several million years among the human species alone is something Geddes is unaware of. In her view, sperm + ovum = zygote is a miracle. It’s even more miraculous that babies are still born in the affluent west, even with the intervention of modern medical practices!
Shouting is the New Talking
The new trend in communication is VOICING OPINIONS AS IF THEY ARE FACT AND SHOUTING THEM INTO A MICROPHONE SO THAT YOU DEAFEN PEOPLE. Try this at home. Your child doesn’t believe that potato chips are in fact a healthier food choice than apples. What you do is gain 50 pounds, dress in a suit, get hired by a news show, and start shouting at your child over the TV.
“NOW ANOTHER THING THAT REALLY TICKS ME OFF! DOCTORS – WHO INCIDENTALLY SUCK AT THE TEAT OF YOUR TAX DOLLARS – THINK APPLES ARE HEALTHIER THAN POTATO CHIPS. LITTLE BILLY, IF YOU’RE LISTENING AT HOME, JOIN ME IN A CONDESCENDING LAUGH AT THESE SO-CALLED ‘EXPERTS’! HUH! IF GOD MEANT US TO EAT APPLES, DON’T YOU THINK HE WOULD HAVE PUT THEM IN A 100-GRAM BAG THAT IS AVAILABLE 24-7 FROM YOUR LOCAL 7-11? AND DON’T YOU THINK HE, IN ALL OF HIS INFINITE WISDOM, WOULD HAVE MADE APPLES SALTY AND CRISPY AND YUMMY IF HE WANTED US TO EAT THEM? STOP EATING APPLES, BILLY! COMMON SENSE TELLS YOU THEY’RE THE DEVIL’S FOOD.”
George Clooney can do whatever the hell he wants
Don’t try this at home! George Clooney ate lard and drank beer for a month straight, gained 30 pounds, refrained from shaving and became a sweaty, fat slob. But ladies love him. Try emulating his act and you’ll be sleeping on the couch.
That’s it for this week! Next time we promise to be even more shallow.
Oprah Salutes Shallow Bitches
Oprah is unveiling her “Shallow Bitch of the Year” Award. This award will honour the woman who has made the most significant contribution in 2005 to mindless consumption, needless sentimentality and Kleenex usage. Celine Dion is a front-runner for this award. Celine Dion has had a baby and if you don’t know that you are a heartless bastard. Celine Dion has collaborated with Anne Geddes on a series of photographs depicting her in various states of undress with her baby. Geddes has entitled this collection, “Miracle,” because Dion was impregnated by God Himself. The fact that procreation has been going on for several million years among the human species alone is something Geddes is unaware of. In her view, sperm + ovum = zygote is a miracle. It’s even more miraculous that babies are still born in the affluent west, even with the intervention of modern medical practices!
Shouting is the New Talking
The new trend in communication is VOICING OPINIONS AS IF THEY ARE FACT AND SHOUTING THEM INTO A MICROPHONE SO THAT YOU DEAFEN PEOPLE. Try this at home. Your child doesn’t believe that potato chips are in fact a healthier food choice than apples. What you do is gain 50 pounds, dress in a suit, get hired by a news show, and start shouting at your child over the TV.
“NOW ANOTHER THING THAT REALLY TICKS ME OFF! DOCTORS – WHO INCIDENTALLY SUCK AT THE TEAT OF YOUR TAX DOLLARS – THINK APPLES ARE HEALTHIER THAN POTATO CHIPS. LITTLE BILLY, IF YOU’RE LISTENING AT HOME, JOIN ME IN A CONDESCENDING LAUGH AT THESE SO-CALLED ‘EXPERTS’! HUH! IF GOD MEANT US TO EAT APPLES, DON’T YOU THINK HE WOULD HAVE PUT THEM IN A 100-GRAM BAG THAT IS AVAILABLE 24-7 FROM YOUR LOCAL 7-11? AND DON’T YOU THINK HE, IN ALL OF HIS INFINITE WISDOM, WOULD HAVE MADE APPLES SALTY AND CRISPY AND YUMMY IF HE WANTED US TO EAT THEM? STOP EATING APPLES, BILLY! COMMON SENSE TELLS YOU THEY’RE THE DEVIL’S FOOD.”
George Clooney can do whatever the hell he wants
Don’t try this at home! George Clooney ate lard and drank beer for a month straight, gained 30 pounds, refrained from shaving and became a sweaty, fat slob. But ladies love him. Try emulating his act and you’ll be sleeping on the couch.
That’s it for this week! Next time we promise to be even more shallow.
posted by Laurence Miall at 10:40 PM
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