Thursday, December 15, 2005

Election Choice is Clear: Talking Animals vs Jackbooted Thugs

Prime Minister Paul Martin wanted to make it absolutely clear to Canadians today that they face a clear choice on January 23rd. They can vote for the Liberals and enter a kingdom reminiscent of the magical world of Narnia (after the fall of the White Witch) wherein beavers will serve them delicious, hot buttered toast and they will ride on the backs of lions… or they can vote for the Conservatives and usher in a grim era of oppression, misery, public floggings and jackbooted thugs stomping on children’s faces for pleasure.

“Fundamentally, Canadians know that Canada without Liberals is like a public hospital suddenly becoming a private torture chamber where they will force you to pay to have rats eat your spleen,” said Martin. “It’s unfathomable that any true Canadian would even think for a second of voting for Mr. Harper, or as I like to call him, Mr. Hitler!”

The PM’s wan smile drew a weak response from the assembled journalists, even those who have already been promised jobs by the Liberal government. But the PM struggled on regardless.

“Real Canadians know in their hearts that Mr. Harper is fundamentally opposed to human life as we know it. For example, he likes guns. Guns kills people. Basically he’s saying that he enjoys killing people. Let me be quite frank, in this regard Mr. Harper is not unlike a member of the Gestapo who would be unable to function without the stench of rotting corpses coursing through his nostrils.”

One plucky journalist who evidently has no aspiration of working as a Liberal communications staffer asked whether Martin’s proposal to ban handguns is another absurd boondoggle in the making, similar to the gun registry.

Martin raised an eyebrow.

“The gun registry is not a boondoggle. It’s a boon. But not a doggle. Let me make it quite clear, in the magical kingdom we are creating the day after January 23rd, people will not need guns. Have you ever seen a unicorn with a gun? And why would anyone feel any hostility to anyone else when all reasons for conflict have been eliminated by a LIBERAL MAJORITY GOVERNMENT? This needs to be seriously considered. Repeat those three words. LIBERAL MAJORITY GOVERNMENT. Say it again. LIBERAL MAJORITY GOVERNMENT. Isn’t this a calming, refreshing thought? Who on earth would want to kill anyone in such a paradisiacal scenario?”