Monday, January 02, 2006

Edmonton to Pioneer Use of Hover Cars

The mayor of Edmonton, Stephen Mandel, has announced that the River City is going to be the first in North America to pioneer the use of hover cars.

“I think it’s a good idea,” said Mandel, his eyes glittering like those of a child on Christmas morning. “My fellow councilors do not agree with me, but they are a bunch of small-minded stick-in-the-muds.”

Mandel’s draft proposal, entitled “Why Hover Cars Would Make a Great City Even Greater” was circulated among the assembled journalists at the mayor’s hastily-scheduled news conference. There was only one copy of the proposal, scrawled on a napkin, which meant the news conference took over an hour. The napkin illustrates a futuristic Edmonton, looking much like the Los Angeles in Ridley Scott’s Blade Runner, with huge buildings belching fire, and nifty hover cars jetting around in the air, driven by stickmen and women who all wear uniformly exuberant smiles on their faces. A speech bubble depicts one of the stickmen saying, “Wheeeee!”

“Are you for real?” asked a reporter for the Edmonton Journal.

“I’m more for real than you are,” Mandel retorted, displaying a rare moment of irritation. “Let’s imagine for a second what this city of the future will be like. I did some calculations and figured out that when you allow traffic circulation in the air as well as the ground, you increase the amount of commutable space by approximately 11,756,999 per cent. Provided you don’t go into the atmosphere, where even a hover car will burn up and perish, you are set. I mean, Edmontonians are set.”

Mayor Mandel also wants Edmonton to pioneer the use of military bunkers. This is a contingency plan in case Calgary becomes so jealous of our hover cars that they use their superior size and strength to invade us. Mandel has costed out the plan of buying enough bunkers for Edmonton as being approximately $904 billion dollars, with each bunker costing $76,000, not including the cost of shipping the bunkers from the plant in Florida – which at current gas prices is over $3 US per mile.

A reporter asked why, given the huge expense of importing bunkers, Mandel doesn’t simply start a bunker-manufacturing company here in Edmonton? That would be a potential boon to the local economy, and ensure full employment.

Mandel paused for a moment and pondered. He eventually smiled. “That’s a great idea,” he replied. “I like your line of thinking. I will implement that idea ASAP.”

Mandel continued to elaborate on his bunker concept. He explained that he had conducted thorough research on bunkers via the “Interwebnet.” The most prestigious bunker manufacturer, American Bunkers, makes a model called “The Guardian.” The Guardian can withstand floods, hurricanes, tornadoes, and terrorist attacks.

“It occurs to me that The Guardian could even withstand a hover car crashing into it by accident,” said Mandel.

“What we’ll do is obtain the blueprint for the Guardian, and licensing rights to build several hundred thousand right here in Edmonton. I think it’s a swell idea.”

Mandel then fired his current advisor on the spot, and hired instead the anonymous reporter who had suggested a bunker plant for Edmonton.

“You are a think-out-of-the-box kind of guy,” said Mandel. “In that respect, you are much like me.”

The reporter’s new salary will be $76,000 per annum. Your humble correspondent from the Ministry of Misinformation is not jealous. Not at all. He is not scheming of ways to make the reporter “disappear” and then take his place. Not even for a second.