Tuesday, January 24, 2006

Smack Party Storms Ballots and Overturns Tory Win

In a stunning new political development, the upstart Smack Party has demanded a recount of the election results and has been rewarded with an overwhelming majority government. The results of every single riding were reversed, with all ballots cast in favour of the Conservatives, Liberals, NDP and Bloc ruled as “spoilt.”

“I’m ecstatic,” said the Smack Party’s leader, the Minister of Misinformation. “Ever since I was a wee lad mucking about with my marbles on the streets of London, I have dreamed of taking over another country. I always thought that the country in question would be somewhere sort of small and primitive – the kind of place inhabited by savages with bones through their noses. Only in my wildest dreams did I dream of becoming Canada’s next emper—I mean Prime Minister.”

The Smack Party was founded by the Minister shortly after he became the representative for Goat Piddle, Scotland, in the UK general election of 2005. (Refer to previous articles.) Then, as now, the Smack Party stands for “the administering of routine smacks to small children so that they grow up to be well-behaved and nice as opposed to loutish, violent and rude.” The Smack Party proved to be colossally popular among the residents of Goat Piddle, a small island west of the Hebrides in the North Atlantic. It was so popular, indeed, that unbeknownst to most Canadians, the Minister decided to enter his party into this country’s federal race last Friday.

“Getting a full slate of candidates was tough,” the Minister admitted. “But offering modest bribes helped. Most Canadians will work hard if you give them bon-bons as well as those weird vodka coolers that come in those bottles that are shaped like sperm, with smiley faces.”

Many critics credit the Smack Party with offering Canadians a brief yet concise policy platform, which is what Canadians have truly yearned for all these years. This is the whole thing:

Stern Smacks
[Law and Order Policy]
The administering of routine smacks to small children so that they grow up to be well-behaved and nice as opposed to loutish, violent and rude. As for those that have already grown up to be loutish, violent and rude, we will bring in even sterner smacks – the kind that leave nasty red marks on the buttocks and make it painful to sit down.

Sultry Smacks
[Health and Wellness Policy]
Canadian lovers (ie. man and wife) will receive tax credits for adhering to a policy of gently smacking each other in a seductive way that will lead to fornication. As everyone knows, fornication is a good cardiovascular exercise and an excellent stress relief. Estimated cost savings to Canada: $198 billion.

Space Smacks
[Defence Policy]
It’s no longer enough to rely on the Americans to protect all of North America. Canada must step up to the plate too. We recommend a defense shield in outer space consisting of a giant hand that will swat Cruise missiles aside like pesky flies.

Strong policy aside, the Smack Party also leans heavily on the charisma of its leader, the Minister of Misinformation. At today’s victory rally in Nisku, Alberta, the Minister admitted that “this party wouldn’t be where it is today without the strong support of my own efforts.”

The Minister, however, comes with a spicy soupcon of scandal in his past. Goat Piddle’s very own Millie McLegspreader says that the Minister “faithered me illegitimah kiddie-wink.”

Fortunately, most Canadians won’t understand the thick Scottish brogue that pollutes the speech of McLegspreader and her ilk, and so most of the vile stories circulating about the Minister will fall on deaf ears.