Thursday, January 19, 2006

Harper: “We will hold back on the evil for at least six months”

Conservative Leader Stephen Harper has again sought to reassure nervous Canadians that if elected his party will adhere to a strict policy of appearing to be middle-of-the-road, for at least the short-term. It won’t be until the six-month mark that his Cabinet will get “seriously medieval” on everyone’s ass.

“Let’s call it a honeymoon of sorts,” said Harper. “February to July is when Canadians can expect a lot of seductive tax restructuring, a lot of sultry whispering about the Senate, and hot Parliamentary sessions about the need for discipline, punishment and handcuffs if you’ve been bad.”

The true desires of Harper’s Conservatives will be unleashed on the country in August, which is when many Canadians are on holiday – either physically, or mentally. So Harper has cunningly calculated that most people won’t figure out what his government is up to until, maybe, late 2007.

Among Harper’s evil plans are:

1. “National Beat-Up Grubbies Day”
This is a follow-up to the already-announced plan to repeal the Liberal tax cuts on low-income earners. National Beat-Up Grubbies Day is pretty much exactly what it sounds like. On February 28th, when Canadians are at their surliest (having suffered most of winter and on the verge of filing their tax returns) all of the homeless shelters will be obliged to open their doors so that ordinary citizens can unleash their pent-up frustrations on the poor. Canadians will be allowed to use crowbars and baseball bats but not firearms. All the same, Harper is convinced that many people, especially Albertans, will get a real kick out of kicking people when they’re down.

“There’s nothing like the feel of a grubby man’s face under your boot,” said Harper. “Take it from me.”

Harper said that Alberta Premier Ralph Klein is the inspiration behind most of his particularly fun ideas.

“He is leagues ahead of anyone in this country in his calculated mistreatment of the downtrodden,” said Harper, flashing his boyish grin. “Just look at the way he thumbed his nose at his own laws in denying AISH recipients the benefits they were entitled to. And the admirable way he managed to hide his nefariousness from Albertans during an election. And the cunning way he settled the lawsuit out of court at a cost of only $100 million. That takes balls! I bet he really enjoyed it, especially when one of those grubby losers had to eat porcupine roadkill!”

2. “Dismember Kittens Day”
Harper said his advisors have not yet decided on the best day for this. Then he shrugged and flashed his winning smile again.

“Hell,” he said. “Any day is a good day for dismembering a kitten!”

3. Establishing the “Office of Friendliness to Neighbours”
This is perhaps the most ambitious of Harper’s plans. The “Office of Friendliness to Neighbours” has been criticized by Harper’s detractors for being a euphemistic title. They say Harper is trying to hide the full extent of his plan from Canadians, who are likely find it less palatable than any of his other ideas. The newly-created Office of Friendliness to Neighbours will explore ways of proving to our American neighbours that we really admire them – revere them, really. It will recommend to government ways of proving to Americans how much we want to please them. It might suggest, for example, yet another national holiday to add to all the others, called “Bend Over for Our Big Brothers Day." On this day, Canadians will line up on the American border and bend over. Live media will carry pictures of Canadians in this non-aggressive posture. This footage will be shared with FOX, ABC, NBC, and CBS. Meanwhile, Harper will make a speech about this important “symbolic gesture” and will express the hope that Americans will forget all the horrible things Canadians did to Americans under the regime of Chrétien and Martin.

The “Office of Friendliness to Neighbours” will also focus on more practical day-to-day policies that will help convince Americans that we will do anything to keep them satisfied. For example, it will provide tax incentives to Canadians who sell any natural resource, such as a lake, to an American, for less than its actual value. It will also offer American CEOs of successful companies such as Enron invaluable tax shelters. Harper thinks this is a vital move because the American government can sometimes get “a little over-zealous with its regulations and whatnot.”

“We’ve got lots of places where we can hide the profits of successful American entrepreneurs,” said Harper. “Provided their profits are in cash, we can simply dig giant holes and bury it like pirates do with their treasure. Once the heat is off, the Americans can retrieve it – no questions asked. I can think of many vast, desolate expanses in this country which can easily be transformed into giant cash-burying pits. Nunavut, for example. No one important lives there.”