Sunday, August 06, 2006

Tory hopeful announces bastard tax

June 2, 2006 -- The Minister of Misinformation has announced that he is running to replace Ralph Klein as leader of the Conservative Party. He has also unveiled the “total bastard tax,” the first plank in his policy platform. This new tax will help wean Alberta off of oil money and at the same time combat the steadily rising tide of idiocy, thuggishness and general nastiness that is gripping this province by the scruff of the neck.

“The Progressive Conservative Party of Alberta has become soft and limp-wristed,” said the Minister. “It is time it became hard and tight-fisted. Under my regime, this government will be as tough as a bullet-proof vest.”

The total bastard tax works like this. If you are behaving like a total bastard, your taxes will go up by either 10%, 20%, 30% or 9,070%. The sliding tax level corresponds to the level of bastardly behaviour exhibited by the bastard in question.

“For example, if you are cutting someone off in traffic, your taxes go up 10%,” said the Minister. “But if you are drowning a kitten in kerosene, your taxes go up 9,070%.”

The Minister added, smiling wistfully, “Kittens are cute, aren’t they?”

When asked by a journalist at the hastily-scheduled news conference what tax level would apply to someone who was, for example, beating his own grandmother with a sycamore branch, the Minister didn’t hesitate to reply.

“10,0480-39325u932ex per cent,” he said. “I know that’s a new tax level that I just made up, and I don’t even know how to say that number, but beating your own grandmother is bastardly on a level that I cannot describe without, basically, puking.”

The Minister suggested that his bastard tax will “work wonders” on the attitudes of the thugs who like to trash Whyte Avenue and the surrounding area after the Edmonton Oilers’ playoff wins.

“Oh yeah, my taxes are going to hit those bastards in the face and leave them with broken teeth lodged in the backs of their skulls, which is no less than they deserve, because they make me edgy when I’m trying to sleep at night. They fully deserve to live in incessant pain, much like a patient in a cancer ward who spends his days vomiting blood."

When asked on specifics as to how exactly one goes about tracking down hooligans and hiking their taxes and whether that creates excessive new administration costs, the Minister wasted no time in retorting, “I am an ideas man, not a bureaucrat.”

The Minister said that the effect of his new tax regime will be to transform Albertans from “nasty, selfish, childish, vulgar, rude and mean-spirited rednecks” into “perfect little high tax-paying angels.”

“It’s going to be like heaven on earth, like Scandinavia – minus the dorky foreign accents,” he conclud