Sunday, August 06, 2006

Lazy Edmonton Sun Columnist Returns With Another Column About the Weather

I.M.A. Hack

Help! Seriously! It’s been so hot! Yesterday it was 32.1 degrees. And the day before, it was 32.9 degrees. I don’t know about you, but that .8 degree drop in temperature made no difference in my life. None at all! Nor in the life of my dog! He was so hot, he didn’t even want to go walkies!



I want to mention something else really obvious. I am sad that Chris Pronger left the Oilers. I am actually more than sad. I am mad! This hurt almost as much as when Wayne Gretzky left. At least Wayne stuck around to win four Stanley Cups. Chris Pronger didn’t even win Tallest Hockey Player Award. Ha!

This is Hack (that’s me) to Pronger: What’s your problem with Edmonton? Don’t you like Calgary Trail? Ten months of winter too much for you, overgrown sissy! Heh!

My daughter had a crush on Chris Pronger. Now she’s trying to find someone else she can have a crush on. I suggested ME, but she said, “No way, Get lost, you pervert!”

Speaking of perverts, I really like this time of year, because my beloved and brilliant newspaper, the Sun (hey boss, do I get a raise for saying that?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) prints pictures of sixteen year old girls in bikinis at the park, or in the legislature wading pool. And I love it! It’s better than the interwebnet! I love my newspaper!

So yeah, let’s hear it for sixteen year old girls! Unless they are my daughter, in which case, HANDS OFF, or I’ll break your teeth!

By the way, I am super addicted to the TV show, Lost. I can’t wait to find out what happens next! Investigative journalism in my case means watching TV! That rules! Often, I’m drinking beer at the same time, and it’s still RESEARCH!

Like my co-workers, I have no ambition whatsoever!!!!!

You know those insightful comments that follow the letters to the editor in the Sun? It’s my buddy’s job to think those up. But sometimes he asks me for help! Here’s an example of one that we might run tomorrow. It’s in response to a letter about how mandatory minimum sentences are long overdue when it comes to sex offenders and murderers. My comment is:

“Hanging’s too good for ‘em!”

Pretty stern words, eh? I don’t mess around! And people say I’m just a lardy, lazy shit-for-brains! Even my own wife!


The End.

PS: The Sun just sent a memo. They say I’ve exhausted their daily supply of exclamation marks! Where on earth am I going to cut?!!!