Sunday, August 06, 2006

Soccer is a game for little girls and homosexuals

By Vern Victor of Throbbing Muscle Sports

I have one word for any red-blooded American that is watching the World Cup of Soccer. Are you an American, or are you gay and/or a little girl? It’s totally beyond me how anyone could watch those miserable sad Eurotrash fairies tumble over each other and shriek girlishly if anyone breathes on them.

They say soccer, or football, as some fools call it (everyone knows that real football is played with your hands), is the World’s Game. It’s the favourite sport of people from Germany to Argentina to the darkest corners of Africa. I have one word for those billions of people. Have you ever heard of baseball? Or basketball? Or NASCAR racing? You are wrong about soccer the same way you were wrong about Iraq.

Here in America, rather than let homosexuals and little girls play an aimless sport consisting of kicking a ball around and diving like a prima-donna every minute, we prefer to deny them marriage rights and/or take away their right to choose an abortion, even if Uncle Biff rapes them. That is as it should be, according to God. People who choose to be gay or dress provocatively around Uncle Biff get what’s coming to them.

And another thing. What I’ve noticed in the two hours I spent researching your so-called “sport,” you surrender monkeys, is that it is borderline socialist in its refusal to give virile capitalism it’s due during the game. Let me explain what I mean. During a typical Monday Night Real Football Game here in the U.S. of A, I can expect to watch 12 seconds of bone-crushing excitement, followed by nymphs flashing their bums in the camera, followed by five minutes of car and beer commercials. Then I can expect to see 30 seconds of the coach pacing up and down, strategizing (it’s a thinking man’s sport), followed by five minutes of Viagra and McDonald’s commercials. Some of you might conclude from all this that Americans

a) enjoy crushing bones
b) enjoy watching their daughters perform like strippers
c) enjoy driving
d) are alcoholics
e) are impotent
f) are obese

However, only a to c are true and the rest is lies. That’s what I hate about non-Americans – you fill the world with lies about us.

Anyway, my point was, where are the commercials, you soccer-scum? I had to wait over 45 minutes for the first commercial break, and then another 45 minutes for the next commercial break. Frankly, that’s outrageous! How will you ever get your economies healthy enough to buy an SUV for everyone man, woman and child when you hate capitalism so much? It’s like you hate life itself.

So my advice to non-Americans is this. Start playing real sports like football, basketball, baseball, and NASCAR racing. Then come over to the U.S. of A. and we’ll kick your ass at those sports. Whose the top dog now, hey, Gunter?

As for so-called American STILL watching soccer after reading my genius article – if you love being a socialist little girl and/or butt-pirate so much, why don’t you go live with your kind? We don’t need you here in America.

Oh wait, you don’t have a passport. Now that I can respect.