Sunday, August 06, 2006

“When I grow up, I’m going to be a talentless slut!” declares young Madison

SPRINGFIELD, Illinois: At a hastily-scheduled news conference yesterday, Madison Carruthers, aged 11, formally announced her career choice to the public and her parents, Tony and Agnes.

“When I grow up, I’m going to be a talentless slut!” announced Madison boldly. “I’ve researched all my options, and that one seems the most lucrative for a girl in modern-day North America.”

Her parents were observed quietly sobbing tears of pride.

“What father wouldn’t want a talentless slut for a daughter?” asked Tony.

Yesterday’s announcement relieves considerable stress in the Carruthers household. It has long been known that Madison is intelligent, pretty, and ambitious. It was a concern to many, however, that her fondness for horses and other animals was inclining her to a job as a veterinarian, which would fail to make her unjustifiably rich and famous.

“My little Madison has dared to dream,” said Tony. “She doesn’t want to be just like any other girl. She wants to be a role model to millions of pre-teens, just as Paris Hilton and Jessica Simpson have been a role model to her.”

Tony and Agnes Carruthers reported that they intend to start a trust fund, which will help to prepare Madison for her chosen career.

“While she’s trying to break into the industry, Madison will need a lot of financial support for things like weekly hairstyle changes, skimpy clothes, shoes, make-up, pornography videos (so she can learn and simulate sex acts) and the real biggie: breast implants,” said delighted mother, Agnes.

In six years, the Carruthers plan to “leak” some nude pictures of Madison onto the internet. Given that Madison will only be 17 at this point, they are confident that the resulting cyber-gossip will spread like wildfire and help give Madison the taint of tawdry scandal that is essential to any serious run at stardom. Madison will also work with a talent agent, who will focus primarily on Madison’s communications skills – ensuring that Madison never utters a word of more than two syllables, never says a sentence without the word “like” in it, and never talks about anything except a) clothes b) her career c) other celebrities and d) the man she is seeing at the time.

“The goal is that when I speak, I will communicate absolutely nothing,” said Madison. “For this, I find Paris Hilton a real inspiration. She has done nothing except giggle for her entire career and look what she’s accomplished!”

Madison will produce a record when she turns 18, which will be over-produced and without any artistic merit. The Carruthers hope that it will be a big hit among girls aged 5 to 15. Madison plans to then immediately capitalize on her fame and start a new clothing line. After changing her name from Madison Carruthers to Maddie K, she will sign an exclusive contract with K-Mart, and her advertising slogan will be “Mad 4 K!”

Madison will also appear as a guest star in rap videos. She will be featured wearing lingerie, writhing on a bed. She will date a rap star. She hopes that the rap star is shot by another rap star at a nightclub, but not fatally.

“Sex and violence really help make a career,” said Madison, beaming. “But I wouldn’t want it to, like, cost anyone his life!”

Madison will also start a celebrity feud with an as-yet unknown rival female star.

“It will be a lot of fun, hating somebody.”

If questioned by the media about her sluttish image and over-sexualized presence in music videos, Madison has a well-rehearsed line saved up.

“I will say I am EXPRESSING myself,” Madison retorted calmly. “It works for every other female celebrity.”

Madison plans to retire from the “biz” at 25 and then proceed to age gracelessly, developing several drug addictions. From 35 to 45 she will concentrate on having tabloid-worthy affairs with younger men and from 45 until death, her career will focus on eating disorders, fad diets and failed plastic surgery operations.

“In my final few years, I will probably resemble a partially deflated blow-up doll, and the public will look upon me with pity and revulsion,” Madison concluded with a smile.