Sunday, August 06, 2006

UN Issues Gentle Resolution to Israel

M.o.M. News Services

NEW YORK, July 18, 2006 – The United Nations today issued a “gentle” resolution about the ongoing Israeli-Lebanon conflict. It had planned on issuing a “stern” resolution but had to make it gentler when the United States and Britain complained that some of the stern words might hurt Israel’s feelings.

The following are examples of Resolution 6298D, before and after the re-write by the United States and Britain.

BEFORE: We urge Israel to stop bombing innocent civilians.
AFTER: We urge Israel to stop bombing innocent civilians when you’ve run out of bombs. Then ask America and Britain for more bombs. Please remember, however, that bombs don’t grow on trees, so use them wisely, please!

BEFORE: We urge Israel to apologize for killing foreigners in Lebanon, including eight Canadians.
AFTER: We urge Israel to appreciate how embarrassed we feel that while we were lauding your “measured” response, some of our silly civilians got in the way of your bombs. We are evacuating them now so it doesn’t happen again. This will make it easier for your bombs to reach innocent Lebanese civilians unimpeded.

BEFORE: We urge Israel to exercise every precaution to avoid civilian casualties.
AFTER: We urge Israel to hit at least a few token strategic targets. All those dead Arabs on TV are bad PR! We understand you can’t make an omelette without breaking some eggs, but at least pretend to make an omelette!

BEFORE: We urge Israel to start obeying international law.
AFTER: “International law”? Huh?

BEFORE: Israel must not over-react to terrorist provocations.
AFTER: That Adam Sandler is funny!

President George Bush was available for a short press conference following the emergency UN meeting. He answered one question from a FOX news reporter.

“Yes, that last resolution was mine, it’s true,” he said. “Yo, Blair, did you ever see Happy Gilmore? That movie is a riot!”

“I am not a poodle,” British prime minister Tony Blair told the BBC.

“I deny all allegations that I don’t like the Lebanese,” snarled Canadian prime minister, Stephen Harper to the CBC. “I eat donairs all the time.”

Meanwhile, beautiful, young, and talented Canadian punk rocker, Avril Lavigne has just married the frontman of the band, Sum41. Look at the pictures here: And some nude pictures of our Canadian pride and joy here: and Britney Spears has posed naked whilst pregnant! And Justin Timberlake has a new album out!

And in unrelated news, a mongoose won a fight with a cobra! And a squadron of killer hornets massacred an entire hive of bees!

And over here,, Bill O’Reilly has some stern but wise words of advice for George Bush:

“If I were President Bush I would urge restraint on Israel publicly, but privately encourage them to kill as many terrorists as they could…”

So far, it appears that Israel is heeding this advice! The score is 210 Lebanese dead to 29 Israeli dead. Not bad, plucky little Israel!