Wednesday, August 09, 2006

Society is oppressing Jim Carruthers

August 8, 2006 – After attending a local poetry reading, Jim Carruthers of Edmonton, aged 22, has discovered that society is oppressing him. He had heretofore been labouring under the misapprehension that he was a relatively affluent citizen of a prosperous and democratic nation, which offered him a range of promising mid to long-term employment prospects. Now he knows that is false.

In a hastily-scheduled press conference, held in his parents’ basement, Mr. Carruthers announced how aggrieved he feels on account of the crypto-fascist capitalist hegemony that has enforced a patriarchal societal structure onto his unwilling and thin shoulders.

“Listen yo,” he said. “The Man is keeping down my sisters and my brothers/ with its devious duplicity/and jackboot of conformity/ and meanwhile in your name/ global leaders play their games/ and the war machine rages on/ and I can’t get a hard on/ because I’m worrying about the Jew-on-Lebanon Armageddon.”

Mr. Carruthers is appalled that no one in his family has even heard of Darfur, Sudan, let alone stopped to do anything to halt the genocide occurring there. He blames an “apathetic media” for “waging a war of lies” on an “unsuspecting public.”

“If all the people, yo/ wake up to the world/ and smell the coffee/ and the exploitative conditions it was manufactured in/ and realized that while we sleep/ Americans are killing babies in their cribs/ and I ain’t telling no fibs/ because that’s the truth/ just as sure as my name ain’t Ruth,” said Mr. Carruthers.

When asked if he was prepared to let that sentence fragment stand or actually finish the train of thought he had started, Mr. Carruthers picked up two recorders, inserted one in each nostril, and proceeded to play Greensleeves.

Afterwards, Mr. Carruthers fielded questions from the assembled reporters. When asked how society was specifically oppressing him, the young University of Alberta anthropology major paused long for thought.

“Look at tuition, yo/ and the major league increases/ which never ceases/ and I am so amazed/ that we can stand here like in a daze/ and let Ralph Klein and his crooks/ treat us all like schnooks!”

When asked for any more examples, Mr. Carruthers brought up the example of his hair, which is currently in dreadlocks.

“People judge my personali-ty/ because my hair so rat-ty/ but this express my identity/ dating back to the day of Bob Marley/ and you take away my pride/ it’s just another act of genocide!”

Mr. Carruthers also brought up the example of his girlfriend, Daffodil, three years older than him, who was recently breast-feeding on Whyte Avenue. Mr. Carruthers reported that a male of approximately fifteen years of age had overtly attempted to catch a glimpse of Daffodil’s right breast upon which the baby was suckling.

“Yo, sisters/ this brother ain’t gonna stand for no sexual oppression/ or sexual repression/ you and your fallopian tubes be free/ they make me happy/ and so does your free love/ which flies like a dove/ and into my loins/ more real than smoking a joint/ yeah.”

When asked by reporters what the solution is to intolerance and globalization and capitalism and sexism and homophobia and genocide and suicide and native land claims and breast-peeking, Mr. Carruthers proudly produced his five-part action plan from his pocket.

1) Educationalize
2) Theorize
3) Radicalize
4) Proselytize
5) Rise up and be free!

When asked what exactly constitutes rising up, Mr. Carruthers explained, “Throwing off the chains of our oppressors/ their heirs and successors/ eating the rich/ and throwing the bones in the ditch/ smashing the state/ and getting irate/ and lynching the Man/ because you know you can/ whoooooaaaaah!”

There were more questions but Mr. Carruthers had no time for them. Daffodil had just arrived in her mother’s Volvo to pick him up and go on their date which would consist of eating persimmon-and-dandelion salad washed down with fresh herbal tea at their favourite local restaurant, Café Utopia, where no animal parts are used – not even those parts that animals inadvertently shed, such as feathers – because these are offered up instead as part of elaborate prayer rituals in order to give thanks to the gods Odin, Thor, and Smiley.