Sunday, October 15, 2006

Secret Transcripts Reveal PM’s Plan for Species Act and Mars

Last week, the mainstream media reported that the federal government is reviewing the Endangered Species Act, but they only told you half the story. The M.o.M. has learned that the government's stated motive for reform – ensuring the protection of property rights – is only partly true. The government's greater motive is to starve, maim and ensnare in traps all of Canada’s cute and cuddly animals so that their presence no longer offends Prime Minister Stephen Harper's delicate sensibilities.

We have published today, in their entirety, the transcripts of a strategy meeting between the prime minister, environment minister, Rona Ambrose, and an unnamed official.

PM: Why are there cute animals in the world? To make me feel bad, of course, and to lower my credibility among Canadians. What did those animals ever do to become cute? Nothing—they are completely lazy! Whereas I have worked exceedingly hard all my life and haven't become even remotely cute. Look at me! I have the eyes of a pedophile and the haircut of an accountant. Even my own son would rather shake hands with me than hug me.

UNNAMED OFFICIAL: Let's kill the cuddly animals.

PM: Yes, let's. I thought of that first, actually, so don't try to take credit for it. I am the policy wonk here.

UO: Yes, sir.

PM: What am I?

UO: A wonk.

Rona Ambrose: Which will we kill first: the Fluffy-Tailed Doe-Eyed Bunny Deer or the Pygmy Crested Snuggle-Squirrel?

PM: How about a dose of noxious gas that will get both of them at the same time?

RA: But that might kill the flora as well as the fauna.

PM: Explain for the edification of our unnamed official, what exactly are flora and fauna, Rona?

RA: Fauna means animals. Flora means flowers. And I like flowers. They are pretty, and they never did anybody any harm.

PM: Flowers? You mean like daffodils and dandelions? Ugh! They make me sneeze! Let’s get the flowers too, Rona. Write that into the act.

RA: If you insist. What else would you like to starve, maim and ensnare in traps today, sir?

PM: How about some Palestinians?

RA: Should I get Stockwell in here to discuss the Middle East, sir?

PM: Don’t worry. Mr. Day and I are going to catch up later. No, what I want to discuss with you today – my stunning female minister whose charms are utterly lost on my pulseless and cold being – is whether or not there is life on Mars.

RA: Mars, sir? Mars is out of my mandate as environment minister. Mars isn’t even in Canada, sir, even though we are a very big country.

PM: I know Mars isn’t in Canada! What do you think I did with my youth? Laze about playing with myself? Not me! I had my nose in atlases, copies of Hansard, and the Encyclopaedia Britannica.

RA: I know you did, sir.

PM: I removed all vestiges of fun from my life when I was ten and a half, so don’t go insinuating that I don’t know where Mars is!

RA: I’m not insinuating anything, sir… [Wiping a tear] I am finding this meeting even rougher than my last trip to Edmonton, sir.

PM: Don’t exaggerate, Rona. Anyway, my inquiry about Mars is entirely rational and policy-driven. I need to know whether we can make Mars inhabitable.

RA: I’ll look into it. Why?

PM: After killing all the flora and fauna, plus reneging on our Kyoto commitment, plus giving carte blanche to oil and gas industry development on every square inch of available land, I’m thinking we’re going to need another planet to live on.

RA: Brilliant, sir. That’s why you’re PM and why I’m merely in charge of the ironically titled “Environment Ministry.”

PM: Oh, yes, the irony! I love it! Just like how I called Israel’s bombing of Lebanon “measured.”

RA: It’s your robotic delivery and lizard blood that makes your irony so effective.

PM: Thank you, Rona. That’s the kindest thing anyone has ever said to me.