Sunday, October 15, 2006

Sexy People Suffer Worst Plight in Decades – M.o.M.

The latest scientific survey from StatistiCon has confirmed what most people have been whispering to each other nervously and furtively for years. There has never been a worse time to be sexy, and sexy people persistently suffer more discrimination than any other group. Said one survey respondent, “being sexy nowadays is almost worse than being a Jew in Germany in 1942.”

How has our society reached such an alarming state of affairs? And who will be its saviour? Some say it will be pop-star, Justin Timberlake, whose promise to “bring sexy back” has brought much-needed solace to millions.

The survey found that although sexy people do not need to wear a yellow star, they are nevertheless easily singled out in the street, in the marketplace, cinemas, playhouses, and even in their own homes. We found one survey respondent, Gloria Riviera, cowering under her own kitchen table.

“I live in constant fear,” she said. “When I leave the house, I am the target of voracious and frenzied verbal taunts from people everywhere – from heterosexual men, lesbians, even gay men. For example, the other day, a gay man said, ‘OhmyGod! I’d just die to have legs like that.’ I felt like vanishing from the face of the earth. My friend Julia, who is as plain as a door-handle, doesn’t suffer anything like the same discrimination.”

Sexy people report that sometimes they feel like they are an alien race and that everyone is staring at them as if they have three heads or drool dripping from their mouths.

“It is small solace,” said sexy person, Hank Manspray, “to know that these uncomfortably long stares are because of my genetic perfection.”

StatistiCon’s longitudinal study has uncovered a disturbing trend. Much like in 1930s Germany, when the fate of Jews departed radically from that of non-Jews, so too are the fates of sexy people and plain people increasingly diverging.

Chief researcher, Billy Con, explained.

“You only have to look at a typical popular social spot -- Whyte Avenue in Edmonton, for example -- to see how sexy people are becoming ghettozied. On Saturday night, it's as if a wall has been built around the place, imprisoning the sexy people. Not long ago, the normals used to mix with the sexy people, but now they won't go anywhere near. The bars are prison camps for those with chiselled cheek bones, perfect hair and almond eyes."

Hank Manspray agees. “They might as well be shipping us off to death camps,” he said. "That's how isolated we are."

Researcher Billy Con explains how sexiness informs identity at an ever-earlier age.

"The ostracization starts young," he said. "For example, twenty years ago, a pretty girl of 14 might expect to be treated more or less like any other kid. Now, her family and friends will see her, above all, as a sexy person in the making, which will also come to be how she views herself. Where in the old days she might have pined for owning a pony, now she pines for owning a new thong and a scoop-neck Diesel top."

Sexy people are further being segregated from the general populace due to the fact that they mainly breed among themselves.

“I’ve never dated an ugly man,” admitted Gloria Riviera. “They don’t go near me. These stunning good looks might as well be leprosy. Men are literally afraid of me.”

Also, much like how Jews in 1930s Germany were considered intrinsically evil – even agents of the devil – sexy people nowadays must tolerate similar prejudices. It is typical for common people to think that sexy people’s symmetrical features mean they are more trustworthy, healthy and virtuous than regular people.

“In public, babies inexplicably smile at me,” said Hank Manspray. “There’s no rhyme or reason to it. I’ll be at the food-court, and the baby will disregard the dumpy, balding suit next to me, but stare at me with reverence as if I’m luminescent – like the sun god, Re, or something.”

The sexy respondents to the StatisticCon survey were united in the hope that the celebrity efforts of Justin Timberlake might start to reverse their dismal prospects.

“I do hope he achieves some success in his fight to bring sexy back," said Riviera. “I’m not expecting a return to the halcyon days of yesteryear, when being sexy was socially accepted, but I’d be happy with some small improvements. Just to be treated a little more like other people – that’s not too much to ask, is it?”