Sunday, October 15, 2006

M.o.M. Picks Firebrand Fry over Count Ignatieff

After careful deliberation, the Ministry of Misinformation has decided to endorse Ms. Hedy Fry for leader of the Liberal Party of Canada. It is the official position of the M.o.M. that the last-place contender, Fry, is weird enough to be likeable, whereas the leading candidate, Michael Ignatieff, hereafter referred to as Count Ignatieff, is a twat.

Many factors were considered in ranking the candidates.

1. Which candidate is nicest to their mom?
Count Ignatieff left the hard work of taking care of his ailing mom to his brother. Meanwhile, he wrote a book about how hard it is to take care of one’s ailing mom. He made a small fortune out of said book, Scar Tissue.

How clever!

However, Hedy Fry wins this one because she is nice to her mom, as opposed to writing books about being nice to her mom.

2. Which candidate “does not lose sleep” over the deaths of innocent civilians?
We all know that Count Ignatieff, who is fond of sophisticated and nuanced principles that work in the abstract but not in practice, supported the invasion of Iraq. But did you know that he “does not lose sleep” over the deaths of innocent civilians?

That’s good, because it sounds like a lot more innocent civilians will die under his watch!

Hedy Fry wins this one because like most Canadians, she recognizes that walking straight into a shit-storm, even if armed with a shit-shovel, still means you’re going to end up eating shit sandwiches.

3. Who would wear briefs outside their pants if they could?
We all know that Count Ignatieff has the good looks of an aristocratic member of Canada’s miniscule patrician class. But did you know that, if he could, he would wear his briefs outside his pants and wear a big cape bearing the letter “C” (for Clever)?

He came from a galaxy a long way away to save Canada from itself, don’t you know!

Hedy Fry wins this one because she would get locked up like a crazy woman if she put her Fruit of the Loom cotton panties outside her pants. We know it; she knows it.

4. Who gets to flit from UBC to the BBC to Harvard on a whim, like a gadfly?
If you’re bored of one sensationally high profile, handsomely paid job, just go get another one – that’s the Count Ignatieff way. Does this make it any harder to relate to the rest of us?

Yes! Hedy Fry wins again.

5. Which candidate is going to invite you to a dinner party and proceed to bore you over the course of four hours as he talks about his own cleverness?
“Which one of my nineteen books shall we discuss next?” asks Count Ignatieff as he licks some foie gras from a Breton cracker.
“Oh do tell us more about your sophisticated and principled stand on the British coal miners’ strike!” yelp two female undergraduate students.
“Mmmm… Where should I begin?” muses Count Ignatieff, stroking his handsome chin.



Hedy Fry wins again.

6. Which candidate is going to strangle people the best?
Count Ignatieff’s nimble fingers are adept with the workings of a Mont Blanc pen and a notebook computer on which he taps away another very clever and profound book. But watch out, Iggy, here’s a scruffy student on the Concordia University campus coming right for your face because he’s incensed with your position on Iraq.

“I’ll defend myself with another book,” proclaims Count Ignatieff. “It will articulate with great precision the intrica—”

Smack! Count Ignatieff is out for the count. Blimey! Why didn’t you just throttle him by the throat? Don’t you know anything about being prime ministerial?

Hedy Fry wins again. Do you seriously doubt she could strangle somebody if pushed to it?