Thursday, January 25, 2007

Our Self-Diagnostic Test: It is Remarkably E-Z

To start off 2007 on the right note, M.o.M. has a self-diagnostic test that will determine whether or not you are weird. As any 13 year-old girl can tell you, being weird is not cool. To increase your cool factor, you should strive to decrease your weird factor. That way, you can fully enjoy 2007 as a cool person as opposed to a weird person. It’s E-Z!

1. Do you own an iPod?
a) Yes
b) No
If you selected b, you are weird.

2. Do you think having body hair is strange as well as gross?
a) Yes
b) No
If you selected b, you are weird.

3. Do you ever use scientific terminology in a casual conversation with friends?
a) Yes
b) No
If you selected a, you are like, totally weird. We won’t talk to you if you keep using words like entropy. You belong to that branch of weirdness called nerdiness.

OK, now we move on to the more hard part of the test. Notice, though, that this test is less hard than a Math 9 exam, which is good, because Math is really hard and it sucks! In this part of the test, we’ll see how you behave in social situations.

4. Your best friend just dissed your boyfriend, saying he doesn’t have nice abs like you claimed he did. What should you do?
a) Tell your friend to stop being shallow.
b) Agree with your friend and ditch your boyfriend and find a new boyfriend who more closely resembles Usher.
c) Develop an eating disorder to help cope with the stress.
If you selected a, you are weird. If you selected b, you are a winner. If you selected c in addition to b, you are totally cool!

5. Your friend wants to go shopping at the mall. What should you do?
a) uh, is this, like, even a serious question?

6. You have developed a rare form of juvenile cancer and all your hair has fallen out. What should you do?
a) Avoid contact with everyone, like, forever!
b) Embark on a new life of selfless acts, such as working among the poor of Calcutta, so that you will be judged by what you do and not by your physical attributes.
If you even understood the point of b, you are, like, a freak!

7. Some ugly guy says he wants to go on a date with you. What should you do?
a) Tell the pervert to get lost.
b) Get to know him as a person.
Hold on, get to known him as a person? Did you actually say something that cheesy? Gross!

8. A super-hot guy says he wants to go on a date with you. What should you do?
a) String him along for a while so that he will spend lots of money on hot dates as well as clothes, then eventually give in and kiss him, and then giggle.
b) Question why someone displaying just as little charm as the ugly guy should be given any particular preference.
If you selected b, you have short-circuited this test. That fails to compute. Weird weird weird. What are you going to do next? Talk politics? Read a book? Go for a walk outside? You are such a loser. Do you pick your nose, too?

That is the end of this E-Z test. If you scored top marks, 2007 is going to be a good year for you, full of new clothes, many admirers, and lots of giggling! If you scored less than 4 out of 8, your 2007 is going to completely suck and you will become depressed.

Have a cool year!