Thursday, January 25, 2007

Dick Cheney’s Halloween Costume Instils Fear Everywhere

The Vice President of the United States, Dick Cheney, has alarmed his family and friends with his choice of Halloween costume. Mr. Cheney announced today that he is going to the Halloween party of the Bush family dressed up as... Dick Cheney.

“Argh, no!” Laura Bush was heard to exclaim. “Every time he shows up with that thing on his head – he calls it his ‘face’ – it totally freaks me out. “Last time we had a party and Dick showed up, Barney the dog was hiding in the Oval Room growling as if the ghost of William H. Taft[1] himself were flitting about the house!”

Mr. Cheney – or Grimace, as he is affectionately called in secret by his friends (which is not a reference to the lovable, fuzzy, huggable McDonald’s character) – has a long track record of terrifying people merely by smiling. It is widely expected that his Halloween party banter is likely to be up to his usual standard.

“He’s going to be leaning over the table of hors d’oeuvres, nibbling on hoagies, and cracking jokes about the US policy of pretending to drown people in order to gain information from them,” Mrs. Bush predicted. “It’s really sinister, especially when he mimics a torture victim. ‘Please don’t drown me! I’ll tell you where Osama is hiding! Please don’t dunk my head in the water again!’”

It is widely acknowledged that Mr. Cheney’s own daughter, Lynne Cheney, was so traumatized by years of her father kissing her goodnight that she decided to become a lesbian so that she would never have to submit to a kiss from a man again. Fortunately for Ms. Cheney, her childhood has provided her with a dependable source of jokes with which to regale her friends for the rest of her life.

Her famous one-liners include:

“You should see him in an apron at Thanksgiving!”
“He’s just a little boy at heart!”
“He spared the life of a squirrel once!”

Meanwhile, her father is excited about yet another Halloween with the Bush family.

“It’s good to take a break from the war on terrorism every now and then,” said Mr. Cheney. “A good party relieves stress, much like shooting your best friend in the face with a deer rifle. At this time of year, I also enjoy sneaking up behind a brown person, or someone with a rag on his head, and whispering, ‘Guantanamo!’ right into his ear. Boy, does it ever freak them out!”

Cheney also confessed that whenever he visits the Bushes, he enjoys visiting the Presidential Washroom, where the Geneva Conventions have been printed in 12-point Arial font onto the Presidential Toilet Paper.

“The sensation of wiping my ass on the Geneva Conventions almost revives feeling in my squishy parts,” Cheney admitted.

Mr. Cheney had to cut short his interview because he was running late for a meeting being held in the Cigar-Smoking-Corporate-Tyrants-of-the-World Room, where he was expected to sign into law new rules permitting the stuffing Chihauhau dogs down the mouths of recalcitrant children as punishment.

“I don't like children and I don't like those Mexican rat-dogs,” concluded Cheney, with his famous snarl. "This laws gets 'em both."

1. William H. Taft, president of the United States of America, 1909–1913, is acknowledged by historians as the fattest president in American history, maxing out at over 300 pounds. The First Dog, Barney, as is also widely acknowledged, is small, because he is a Scottish terrier, a breed that rarely exceeds 22 pounds. Barney would clearly be quite alarmed if the ghost of Taft were made flesh, because if the former president of the United States were to sit on him, he would find himself crushed to death, and the much-beloved canine companion to George W. Bush would breath no more. What has been less widely acknowledged by historians, at least to this point, is that this is the M.o.M.’s longest-ever footnote.