Sunday, October 15, 2006

Jack Perkins Announces Nuclear Ambitions

Jack Perkins, aged 13, has announced his intentions to acquire a nuclear bomb in order to protect the sovereignty of his bedroom against his father, George Perkins, aged 40 – a single parent.

“If my dad makes any incursions into the territory of my bedroom, I will have no other recourse but to retaliate with overwhelming force,” announced Perkins Jr.

When asked by the assembled reporters at his press conference whether this means that he would actually blow up his own father, the teenager paused for five seconds to consider this.

“Yes,” he replied.

Perkins Jr. asserts that his conventional forces, which consist of a toy sword and a butter knife smuggled from the kitchen, are insufficient to respond to his father’s “increasingly belligerent” demands that he clean his room.

“I weigh approximately eighty pounds less than him. A butter knife just isn’t going to cut it – pardon the pun. But with a nuclear bomb, I have the upper hand, which in the long run, should ensure long-term peace between us. No father would dare launch a strike against a kid armed with a cruise missile.”

The feud in the Perkins household dates back to late September, when Jack dismembered several dragonflies, flies and moths on his bedroom floor in a scientific experiment. This experiment was so time-consuming that he took bread into his room to sustain himself during his long hours of work. This attracted mice and their associated waste. The bedroom is now, according to Perkins Sr. “a total pit.”

“He just doesn’t get it,” said Perkins Sr. “That room is a goddamn health hazard. If he doesn’t clean it, I’m going to be forced to barge in there and clean it myself.”

His son, however, claims to have learned the new geo-political rules of military engagement.

“Contrast the situations of Iraq and North Korea. Nowadays, if you don’t have a nuke, you leave yourself vulnerable to invasion. But the second you do have a nuke, the whole world is scared of you. The goal is to acquire nukes as quickly as possible. For smaller powers such as myself, the nuke is our only hope for peace.”

Perkins Jr. plans on assembling a nuclear bomb by building a centrifuge capable of performing nuclear fission in the spin-dryer, which after being fitted with a Lockheed Martin VIXI jet engine, will exert twenty million kilopascals of torque on a uranium particle.

“The science is sound,” said Perkins Jr. “Those who doubt my capacity for bomb manufacturing are no better than people who say the earth is flat. They are as ignorant as mentally-challenged chimps.”

Perkins Jr. will acquire uranium from Uranium City in northern Saskatchewan.

“I’ve heard there’s enough uranium left over to make a big explosion – at least enough to blow up a dad.”

Perkins Jr. privately confided in the M.o.M. “off the record” that he loves his dad and doesn’t really want to kill him, but, given the circumstances, “I’d be a fool not to prepare for the worst. Dad is increasingly bellicose. But he’ll smarten up when I join the nuclear club, make no mistake.”

Perkins Sr., in a brief statement, said he is considering taking pre-emptive action against his son, but refused to answer questions because he was late for work.