Sunday, October 15, 2006

Breast Cancer Association Celebrates Successful “Run for CIBC” Event

The Breast Cancer Association is celebrating another successful Run for the Canadian Imperialist Bank of Commerce (CIBC) event. Participants ran and/or crawled five kilometres to show support for CIBC’s crippling customer service fees, non-existent customer service, billion-dollar profits, and misleading marketing campaigns.

“It was a brilliant event,” said Breast Cancer Association chair, Bertha Bigguns. “Our association pretended to care about breast cancer, and meanwhile, millions of people nationwide ran around with CIBC emblazoned on their T-shirt. Everyone’s a winner!”

M.o.M. attempted to contact a CIBC spokesperson for comment, but it was 3pm, and the local bank was closed. The M.o.M. staffer attempted to call CIBC, but was put on hold for seventy-three minutes. The muzak enraged the M.o.M. staffer, who proceeded to throw his phone through the window. Then the M.o.M. staffer sat on his IKEA couch and attempted to calm down, but the couch’s supporting beam snapped in two because it was only held together with Elmer’s “Kidz” glue.

Just then, a squirrel scurried in through the smashed window.

“You should disengage yourself from the tyranny of corporate power,” the squirrel squeaked. “Why don’t you live off the land like me?”

Meanwhile, CIBC announced that in light of the weekend's efforts, it has donated $3 million of the public’s money to the cause of pretending to find a cure for cancer, and has also racked up $1,497,543,290 million in service fees.

“That’s irony, eh?” chortled the squirrel.

Back on the beat, the M.o.M. managed to interview a few stragglers from the fun run/crawl.

“I like the CIBC’s new robot phone-answering chick,” said Gil Gas, aged 36, from Facegag, Alberta. “She has a soothing tone. Such a refreshing change from the sound of my wife. With Brenda the Bank Robot I can simply press 7 if I get bored of listening. Then I have the freedom of leaving a message for someone who won’t get back to me, or listening to a lecture by Stephen Hawking about the relativity of compound interest rates.”

Said another pre-authorised interviewee, “I like the fact that CIBC takes the service fees out of your account every month without you having to send them a cheque or anything. It’s so convenient!”

Just then, the friendly yogic squirrel showed up again.

“It’s intriguing how many people suffer from false consciousness nowadays,” he said.

“What’s false consciouness?” asked one of the fun runners/crawlers.

“Why, that’s easy,” said the squirrel. “According to neo-Marxists, that’s when citizens of affluent market economies think they are free, when in fact, they are prisoners of a capitalist dictatorship, with few choices except which company they want to rape them that day.”

“I see,” said the anonymous fun runner/crawler. “Well, interesting talking to you, cute little critter. You should audition for the upcoming Disney movie. I’m hungry from that fun run. I’m off to McMeat’s now to chow down on some sawdust and cow testes. Only $3 per bumburger – can’t beat that!”

“Who are you going to interview now?” the inquisitive little squirrel asked the M.o.M. staffer. “Everyone has vanished back to suburbia. The only people left on the streets are bums and lunatics.”

The M.o.M. staffer conceded that it would be impossible to conduct any further interviews and resigned himself to yet another poorly researched, unbalanced, and biased article.

“You know, if your bias were different, you could work for FOX News!” concluded the squirrel with a merry little chirp, before scampering up a tree to mate with Mrs. Squirrel.