Sunday, October 15, 2006

Domesticated Animal Debate Remains Unresolved

The debate among grade 5 students at St. Theresa’s Junior High School over the respective merits of the domesticated cat versus the domesticated dog has entered its third day, with neither side prepared to concede an inch, or even a yard. Most recently, the pro felines have vociferously objected to the proposal that their class, which is instructed by Mrs. Dobbs, adopt a golden retriever.

“Dogs are stupid,” said Jimmy Bib, reflecting the consensus view of the pro felines. “They can’t clean up after their own poo or lick their bums, and look how they follow you around everywhere like they don’t have any ideas of their own. They are stupid with a capital s.”

In staunch opposition to Bib and his pro felines are the pro canines, who are so opposed to cats that as the debate heated up, they even suggested banning cats from the entire metropolitan region of Edmonton.

“Cats will lie on your face and suffocate you,” noted avid pro canine, Tim Bit. “But dogs, like Lassie, will pull you out of a coal mine after it collapses on your head. A cat would probably just sit there and meow or something, while you’re laying there dying, because it would still be, like, ‘Where’s my kibbles?’”

The pro felines are urging Mrs. Dobbs to rescue a kitten that has been living in the bushes that surround the school grounds. The kitten is very nervous and has only one eye. Grade 5 sources say that its left ear appears to have been significantly chewed by a squirrel or a bird or something. The kitten might also be undergoing major psychological stress because it does not have a mother.

“It has abandonment issues,” says Carol Vat.

“Yeah, and it will be dead soon if we don’t save it,” said Jimmy Bib. “Once it feels at home with us, it will purr and sit on people’s laps and be grateful. But if you saved a dog, it would probably just shit on the school floor.”

He stifled a giggle. He was cautioned by Mrs. Dobbs for “inappropriate language in a class debate,” even though the debate was at that time being conducted in the playground.

“I just hate to hear them swear,” Mrs. Dobbs admitted to the M.o.M. “My father, who is now dead, was a devout Episcopalian, and he would’ve gone berserk and hit us with a boat paddle if he had ever heard us swear.”

There are currently 12 proponents of the mission to rescue the kitten, with an equal number of proponents of the golden retriever adoption. There is only one undecided student, Leon Libra, who is weighing the pros and cons of each argument.

“I don’t really like cats or dogs,” said Leon. “I once saw this cat with spots like a leopard. It was climbing up a tree and then it got stuck. I thought that was kinda stupid. But dogs can be stupid too. Once this dog was chasing its tail – in the middle of the road! It got hit by a Geo Metro. The poor Geo was, like, totalled, and the owner was really mad at that stupid dog. So the whole 'stupid' argument doesn’t work with me.”

He added, “My idea is to get a snake. Our class should adopt an anaconda. Or a piranha, which can eat a man in ten seconds.”

Meanwhile, Jimmy Bib has secretly advocated kidnapping Leon Libra and subjecting him to intensive brainwashing techniques so as to forcefully convince him of the merits of cats.

“Like they do in Guantanamo,” he explained, enthusiastically. “Play music real loud and sleep-deprive him and chant at him over and over, ‘Cats are best, cats are best!’”

“Yeah,” Carol Vat agreed. “And smear menstrual blood in his face!”

The pro canines have attempted to run a more positive campaign to win the support of Leon Libra. Tim Bit gave Leon seasons one and two of “The Littlest Hobo,” on DVD. This heart-warming Canadian television production, which ran from 1979 to 1985, follows the adventures of a homeless German shepherd who wanders around from town to town helping people, with no thought for himself.

“After watching how heartwarming dogs can be, Leon's going to vote for dogs, I just know it,” Tim Bit concluded. “And if he doesn’t, I’ll get my pit bull on him. My dad told me that pit bulls bite from the ass, which means their jaw muscles are connected to their ass muscles. Once they bite, they can’t let go. They are totally crazy. Leon would be like in complete and utter agony.”