M.o.M. – Lad’s Mag Edition
Without the benefit of photos, is it possible to whip up teenage boys in a frenzy of lust, sexual frustration, and neurotic self-consciousness? Is it possible to make them titter about unfortunate people’s crippling accidents and obsess over celebrity gossip? Is it possible to turn a healthy boy into little more than a banana-throwing chimp? With a fraction of the budget of lad’s mags such as Maxim or FHM (does zero dollars over a million dollars count as a fraction?) M.o.M. intends to find out!
Here are some hot stories M.o.M.’s Lad’s Mag is following.
THIS CHICK IS TOTALLY OUT OF YOUR LEAGUE
Imagine a chick with totally unreal bazookas and a spank-tacular tailgate who is gazing at you with a come-hither look as she inserts two fingers into her salivating mouth. Phooooah! You don’t know any girl that can look this hot in fishnets and a garter belt! In fact, you don’t know any girls besides your sister. Ha! You’ll never get with this girl. She’s totally out of your league, dude!
IF YOU SEE A MAN EATING QUICHE, PUNCH HIM
Despite the fact that we expect you to have rock-solid abs and consist of 90% muscle and 10% tanned skin, it’s unacceptable for you to eat anything besides pizza or donair and drink anything besides beer. So if you see a man eating quiche or extolling the virtues of some fancy French wine, why not provoke him into a fight? Throw some donair meat at his face. Ha ha! Take that, you faggot!
THIS OBESE WOMAN GOT STUCK IN A CHAIR AND THEN ROTTED TO DEATH!!!!
In some backward state of the southern United States, this like totally gargantuan woman who weighed 67821 pounds or something got stuck in her mechanical wheelie chair on a trip to the outhouse. Nobody saved her! She was eaten by black flies and slowly rotted to death. Some intrepid Lad’s Mag reader sent in a picture that we can only describe to you – but rest assured, it’s TOTALLY DISGUSTING!
THE INHABITANTS OF PHUKET ARE PRIMITIVE
Ah, the island of Phuket, Indonesia. We print its name, you laugh. We print its name again, you laugh again. Sometimes, Phuket’s inhabitants are so primitive, freakish and wacked out that they stick entire bicycles through their fat, animal-like lips! And they eat tsetse fly grubs! They’re not even on Survivor and they still do that!
WHO CARES ABOUT PARIS HILTON?
We don’t, but we’re going to talk about her anyway! Isn’t it funny what a talentless, brainless slut she is? Did you see her sex video? Sorry, lame question to which we knew the answer already. Anyway, Paris is in the news this week because she’s in the news every week. She said something stupid. She went to a party. There are rumours she’s with this guy and that guy. Maybe two guys at once! Har de har!
IF YOU DON’T WANT TO BE A TOTAL LOSER IN THE SACK, READ THIS
It’s unlikely that your Beavis and Butthead lifestyle has afforded you the privilege of getting off with, like, a chick, hot or otherwise, but we’ve got free sex advice for you anyway. Women, who are like a totally bizarre species that we barely understand, nevertheless share something in common with us men. They like to get off! Therefore, your mission in the sack is to get them off. In order to do that, you’re going to have to spend a lot of time analysing the smallest detail of your performance. Do you know where to find all the body bits that when expertly manipulated make her scream and writhe around like a drunken cobra? Do you know at least 23 positions and have you incorporated a kitchen table or an axe handle into your routine? Do you know what “tantric” means?
Are you neurotic yet? Yes? Good! Join the growing ranks of all the other neurotic sixteen-year old males out there. Acne isn’t your only worry, buddy!
Here are some hot stories M.o.M.’s Lad’s Mag is following.
THIS CHICK IS TOTALLY OUT OF YOUR LEAGUE
Imagine a chick with totally unreal bazookas and a spank-tacular tailgate who is gazing at you with a come-hither look as she inserts two fingers into her salivating mouth. Phooooah! You don’t know any girl that can look this hot in fishnets and a garter belt! In fact, you don’t know any girls besides your sister. Ha! You’ll never get with this girl. She’s totally out of your league, dude!
IF YOU SEE A MAN EATING QUICHE, PUNCH HIM
Despite the fact that we expect you to have rock-solid abs and consist of 90% muscle and 10% tanned skin, it’s unacceptable for you to eat anything besides pizza or donair and drink anything besides beer. So if you see a man eating quiche or extolling the virtues of some fancy French wine, why not provoke him into a fight? Throw some donair meat at his face. Ha ha! Take that, you faggot!
THIS OBESE WOMAN GOT STUCK IN A CHAIR AND THEN ROTTED TO DEATH!!!!
In some backward state of the southern United States, this like totally gargantuan woman who weighed 67821 pounds or something got stuck in her mechanical wheelie chair on a trip to the outhouse. Nobody saved her! She was eaten by black flies and slowly rotted to death. Some intrepid Lad’s Mag reader sent in a picture that we can only describe to you – but rest assured, it’s TOTALLY DISGUSTING!
THE INHABITANTS OF PHUKET ARE PRIMITIVE
Ah, the island of Phuket, Indonesia. We print its name, you laugh. We print its name again, you laugh again. Sometimes, Phuket’s inhabitants are so primitive, freakish and wacked out that they stick entire bicycles through their fat, animal-like lips! And they eat tsetse fly grubs! They’re not even on Survivor and they still do that!
WHO CARES ABOUT PARIS HILTON?
We don’t, but we’re going to talk about her anyway! Isn’t it funny what a talentless, brainless slut she is? Did you see her sex video? Sorry, lame question to which we knew the answer already. Anyway, Paris is in the news this week because she’s in the news every week. She said something stupid. She went to a party. There are rumours she’s with this guy and that guy. Maybe two guys at once! Har de har!
IF YOU DON’T WANT TO BE A TOTAL LOSER IN THE SACK, READ THIS
It’s unlikely that your Beavis and Butthead lifestyle has afforded you the privilege of getting off with, like, a chick, hot or otherwise, but we’ve got free sex advice for you anyway. Women, who are like a totally bizarre species that we barely understand, nevertheless share something in common with us men. They like to get off! Therefore, your mission in the sack is to get them off. In order to do that, you’re going to have to spend a lot of time analysing the smallest detail of your performance. Do you know where to find all the body bits that when expertly manipulated make her scream and writhe around like a drunken cobra? Do you know at least 23 positions and have you incorporated a kitchen table or an axe handle into your routine? Do you know what “tantric” means?
Are you neurotic yet? Yes? Good! Join the growing ranks of all the other neurotic sixteen-year old males out there. Acne isn’t your only worry, buddy!
posted by Laurence Miall at 2:05 PM
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