Thursday, January 25, 2007

Communicating Made Easier with Hilarious T-Shirts

Marvin Middling, aged 23, of Edmonton, announced today that thanks to a recent spending spree, he now owns a large number of T-shirts that can effectively communicate his thoughts and preferences on a wide range of personal, social, and cultural subjects. For example, his T-shirt bearing the wording, “I Got to First Base,” will indicate to others that at some point in his history, Marvin touched a woman.

When asked by assembled reporters at his hastily-scheduled news conference about the point of all this, the Grant MacEwan music student paused, fidgeted with his ear, and then mumbled, “It’s, you know, funny.”

Middling is equally amused by his T-shirt that depicts the silhouette of a naked woman straddling an upright pole, accompanied by the text, “I Support Single Mothers,” which Middling sees as a clever reference to his fondness for attending strip clubs. Middling appears to be particularly amused by the prospect of women being abused and abandoned by their husbands, left footing the bill for their children, and finding no other recourse for survival except making their vagina into target practice for men throwing coins. Middling’s own girlfriend, Sharona, concedes that this is hilarious.

“Boys will be boys,” she smiled, as she stood supportively at Middling’s side.

The real knee-slapper in Middling’s T-shirt collection is one he purchased in 2002, which says, “Shy Guy, Big Dick.” Shortly after purchasing this T-shirt, Middling met his current girlfriend, who secretly wants to marry him. Middling concedes that without the aid of this T-shirt, Sharona might never have picked him out from the crowd at Cowboys nightclub.

“I was so fucked up beyond all recognition that I couldn’t talk,” said Middling. “My T-shirt did the talking for me.”

For her part, Sharona likes to wear a T-shirt which says, “Will Work for Shoes,” which she admits suits her personality perfectly.

“Everyone knows I love shoes,” she confessed, brimming with pride. “I have more than one hundred pairs of shoes. I haven’t even worn some of them!”

Besides wearing hilarious T-shirts, Middling’s other hobbies including drinking, sleeping, and watching the hysterical series of online reality shows, “Bum Fights,” in which homeless people are given money to fight each other, injure themselves by performing reckless stunts, or otherwise degrade themselves on camera.

“I saw this one show where they gave a crackhead five bucks to take a dump on a street corner,” Middling reported. “It was a laugh riot.”

When he graduates from music, Middling hopes to obtain an education degree from the University of Alberta and become a music teacher.

“I love children,” said Middling. “I think as a teacher, kids will connect with me because of my sense of humour.”

Middling admits that there will be some T-shirts he will have to refrain from wearing once he finds himself around Grade 6 students for most of the day. For example, his T-shirt that says, “Everyone is Entitled to be Stupid But You’re Abusing the Privilege,” will have to stay in the closet.

“It’s pure comedy to wear a T-shirt that randomly insults people in the street but unfortunately they’re still a bunch of tight-asses about that kind of shit at Edmonton Public Schools,” Middling admitted.

Middling’s friend Harvey wears a T-shirt that for comic genius surpasses anything Middling himself wears. Harvey is a weightlifter and when he attends the University of Alberta gym he proudly sports a T-shirt that says, “Don’t Ask Me if I Take Steroids and I Won’t Call You a Pencil-Necked Bastard.”

“I really like that one because Harvey actually does pop steroids like candy, so if anyone ever took offence to his T-shirt, Harvey could punch their nose in and stamp on their face, which would make me laugh 'til I puke!”

After the news conference, Sharona had wanted to go to dinner but Middling declined, saying he was going to spend the evening getting “totally shit-faced” with his friends.

“Boys will be boys!” Sharon repeated, and started making plans to have coffee with her respectful and articulate friend Kevin, who secretely yearns for Sharona, but is well-aware that he lacks the requisite stupidity, selfishness -- and hilarious T-shirts! -- to win her love.