Thursday, January 25, 2007

Breaking Shattering Election Update Special Exclusive! Newsflash Excitement Tits!

President George Bush, whose Republican Party suffered severe losses to the Democrats in yesterday’s American election, secretly blames his advisor, Karl Rove, for the political calamity.

“Where was your voodoo magic?” Bush asked Rove, who is credited with winning practically every election he has ever been involved with. “What about all those tricks you said you had up your sleeve, like gerrymandering the electoral districts, rigging the voting machines, harassing the blacks, push-polling, harassing the Latinos, stuffing ballots down your pants to look more confident, legal challenges, harassing the Apache?”

The list of questions was virtually endless. Mr. Rove eventually totally lost his shit. “Go ask God for your own magic, you ungrateful chimp,” he retorted.

“That’s it,” Bush declared. “I know what happened. You forgot yesterday’s 8:04am prayer meeting. You have angered God, you fool!”

Meanwhile, Donald Rumsfeld has been demoted from Secretary of Defence to coach of the White House Little League Soccer Junior ‘B’ Team. The first challenge for the Eagles under the new regime will be their match against the Camels, a less well-funded yet more aggressive team that currently stands at the bottom of the division but has recently enjoyed three consecutive victories.

“What we know about the Camels is that there are known unknowns in that team who might make themselves known when we least expect it and then we might know that the knowns we thought we knew are totally unknowable,” Rumsfeld explained in his first meeting with the plucky Eagles, whose average age is ten.

“But don’t worry,” said Rumsfeld. “If I see you guys are in trouble, I’ll suspend the league’s rulebook, detain the Camel's players, hogtie ‘em, chain ‘em to the floor, beat 'em, and smear their favourite book, Harry Potter, in feces.”

“Three cheers for the Eagles!” yelled the Eagles in boisterous, boyish unison.

Meanwhile, despite the election results, Barney the First Dog is acting as if nothing particularly troubling has happened at all. At his own hastily-scheduled press conference, he announced his intention to bury a bone under the lime tree bordering Pennsylvania Avenue.

“No one will find my bone there,” he chortled. “Afterwards, I’ll trot back to my so-called master and beg for another bone, and that silly chimp will probably give me another one because he totally won’t remember that he gave me one only six minutes previously. Woof! Then I’ll have two bones, which is 100% more than Mervin the First Mouse has. Woof!”

Meanwhile, Vice President Cheney has been wondering why his pact with Satan failed to extend his reign of Evil.

"I drained the blood of two Muslim babies yesterday, then ate their entrails, and yet, nothing! The Democrats still won. Unbelievable."

In other news, a comet is hurtling towards earth at breakneck speed and is expected to make impact within 24 hours. It will obliterate life on earth as we know it. Fortunately, Prime Minister Stephen Harper of Canada is on top of things.

"I introduced some legislation into Parliament that will impose voluntary speed intensity reductions on all cosmic bodies, including comets. By 2050, comets will travel no faster than ten google-gigglyplex light years per hour. The Canadian economy -- and more importantly, the American economy -- will not be compromised. Let's hear it for loosening regulatory burdens!"

The audience, an economist from the Fraser Institute, applauded enthusiastically. Meanwhile, there were long line-ups of consumers looking to buy bunkers from the Bunker Barn whose famous slogan is "Get Underground and Stick Around to Witness the Reign of the Rat!"

M.o.M. was also expecting some entertainment news but sadly it missed the last donkey leaving Cordoba, Spain, and isn't expected to arrive until the 1000th anniversary of the death of Miguel de Cervantes. There are rumours, however, that the news is expected to say something exciting about Britney Spears' divorce from K-Fed, the world's first rodent rapper. You didn't read it here first!