Thursday, January 25, 2007

M.o.M.’s Guide to the PC Leadership Race

Cancel all your weekend commitments! There is only one commitment that matters this weekend and the M.o.M. is here to breathlessly inform you all about it. Unless you’ve been hiding in a gulch or a gully, you will know, of course, that we’re talking about the Tremendously Exciting Vote for Alberta’s Next Pater Familias – aka – the Progressive Conservative Leadership Race!

Girls, put down your Ken dolls – you will soon have a new male role model to hero worship. Behold the M.o.M.’s guide to this historical event, which for your handy reference, includes a guide to all the candidates we could remember! Unless you are a severely abnormal Alberta – ie. a communist or a vegan – TOMORROW YOU MUST VOTE FOR ONE OF THESE EXCITING MEN OF THE FUTURE.

Candidate: Mark Norris
Age: Middle-aged
Slogan: I’m from Edmonton not Calgary!
M.o.M. Analysis: Mark’s main accomplishment to date has been reducing his weight from a stunning 340 pounds to a lithe 250 pounds. Vote for him or he’ll sit on your face! And what of his professional accomplishments? He got elected in 2001, immediately became a cabinet minister, and did such an effective job that he lost his job three years later. Plus he openly admits to looking at porn. That’s the kind of frankness Albertans can expect from Mark.
Recommendation: Vote for him if he promises to lend you Good Girls Take it From Behind vols III to XIV.

Candidate: Jim Dinning
Age: Late middle-aged
Slogan: I’m gonna win… hence this confident grin
M.o.M. Analysis: If Jim doesn’t win, he’s going to be very Angry Indeed for having spent the last decade being the Heir Apparent. Boy, are those corporate boardroom meetings going to be tense! But not to worry, Jim will win because, well, everyone’s been saying he will win since forever and we believe them! Interesting obscure fact: Jim was Finance Minister for Alberta back in the early Cretaceous period. Thanks to the demise of countless dinosaurs, he was able to help Ralph balance the budget. How did the Economic Genius do this? Well, when billions of oil revenue came in, he refrained from spending it all and borrowing more for no reason. What a good idea! If Martha and Henry won the lottery and then cunningly paid off all their debt, could we also call them Economic Geniuses?
Recommendation: Think before you defy destiny.

Candidate: Dave “Bruiser” Hancock
Age: Middle-aged, but sporadically hiding it well
Slogan: I’m angry that no one paid attention to me until yesterday.
Alternate slogan: I’m also from Edmonton!
M.o.M. Analysis: The only man with hands softer than that other famous cake-eater, Marie Antoinette. Yes, everyone knows Dave likes tucking into a good pastry. Don’t refuse him his pastry or else he’ll use his legal learning to argue very convincingly why you should most certainly refrain from doing so! But being argumentative is not Dave’s style, unless you ignore him. Then he might well take that pastry out of his mouth for a second and throw a crumb at you! Hazzat! “I hope that crumb stings like the dickens!” he’ll say.
Recommendation: Say: “How about we share that pastry?” Next: Run.

Candidate: Ted Morton
Age: Professorial age
Slogan: This dirty scumbag country plus all its dirty scumbag provinces better leave Alberta the hell alone!
M.o.M. Analysis: Ted has what it takes to boldly lead Alberta into the 50’s. The 1950’s, that is! Whenever somebody mentions homosexuals, Ted looks like he’s ready to kill one with his own bare hands! Ted wants more than anything to pass a law whereby schoolchildren, if subjected to the word “gay” meaning anything more than “cheerful,” will be saved by a squad of Parental Enforcers, who will spirit them out of the classroom and back to the God-fearing household, where, naturally, the TV has been kicked in, the computer dumped out the window, and the radio set is programmed permanently to 630 CHED. In case you thought Ted was just a dumb throwback, think again. He used to teach Political Science!
Recommendation: If Ted sees you carrying your ballot all fey like that, he’s gonna rip your head off and shit down your neck! Whatever you do, don’t let him see you doing it!

Leadership Race Q&A

Q: Are there any other candidates?
A: Yes.

Q: Can the M.o.M. enlighten me about the other candidates?
A: Well, one of them is called Lyle Oberg. He knows a lot about “skeletons in the closet” and he also knows that someone working for one of the other candidates has done bad stuff, but he can’t name which candidate or what bad stuff they did. How exactly can the M.o.M. shed light on this fetid swamp? One of the other candidates is called Ed Stelmach. He seems nice enough. It would be a shame wasting any pixels on such poor satirical material. Another candidate is a gimp. Not even the M.o.M. is going there! Plus, he’s not going to win. Only people who become gimps by virtue of drinking solidly for decades earn Albertans' trust!

Q: How exciting is it going to be to live under the regime of the new Premier?
A: In 2002, there was a film called FUBAR produced in Calgary. It depicted the lives of head-bangers, Terry and Dean, who spent their time chugging Pilsner and destroying campsite grounds and falling over. In the sequel, scheduled to begin filming in 2007, they have become millionaires, but endearingly have not changed their leisure activities in the slightest. This, friends, is what you can expect writ large in the New Alberta, if everything goes according to plan.